Why women don't leave

[Anonymous 3]

I don’t think it’s a hard concept to understand, but I guess it is for some.

For those who have always lived in relative safety it probably is a hard concept to grasp. "Well, I would have left the first time he hit me" - by the time he first hits you he's already convinced you that you're worthless and deserve it. Abusers pick their victims. They aren't going for a woman who has a strong will and character that will put up with the beginnings of abuse. He goes for women who through mental illness or conditioning will allow him to treat her the way he does. He chooses a woman who probably has few close (and especially strong) friends and family. And then she's afraid to tell anyone what's happening because she knows what women like many on this board would say.

This is accurate, I was one of those people who infa man ever hit me one time I'd be gone, but I wasnt why because I felt like I deserved it, I felt like I had to stay because I was having his child and frankly the only people he let me interact with was his parents and his mom thinks even to this day he is the perfect son. They cut you off from.everything you know, make threats about how they cant live with out you, if you leave theyll kill themselves and make sure everyone knows it was your fault etc and no one wants that on their conscience

[leadfoot40]

I think anyone who thinks leaving someone whose is abusive as easy has no idea what true abuse looks like and they are extremely naive.

[Anonymous 2]

There’s a lot of ignorance and victim blaming.
You can read in the now unfortunately locked post someone calling an abused woman who hasn’t left her husband a “shitty mom” for not leaving and even went as far as saying that she should go and leave the kids with the “competent parent”, a.k.a the wife beater... talk about victim blaming at its finest

This is exactly what was said.

"If he is not at all a risk to the children she should leave them with the competent parent. She is not that. She isnt a good mom, she isnt even competent enough to support herself or her children

If he is unsafe she should call CPS and fight for the kids to be placed with a competent relative.

She stops being a victim as soon as her kids are kept in an abusive situation. That just makes her a POS"

[7byher]

I think anyone who thinks leaving someone whose is abusive as easy has no idea what true abuse looks like and they are extremely naive.

You're right.
It is heartbreaking to go to someone for help, to tell them about the abuse, then be told 'well it's your own fault for staying'.
That attitude alone will force someone back into the arms of their abuser, because hey the person they asked for help just told them they deserve it. (What an asshole).
I think that when people start getting angry is whenever things start becoming crystal clear to them in an abusive relationship.
When my ex started with the verbal/emotional abuse I believed him. At some point though i stopped believing him, I can't pinpoint when and where it happened but it did.

What an abused woman/man needs most of all to get out is confidence. Self worth and self esteem, telling someone that they're trash for staying isn't the way to get there.
Saying 'Hey, you look wonderful today' can start the transition from poor self esteem due to abuse to having better self esteem.
If someone really wants to help them out of a abusive relationship then they need to start with building them up.
These abused women/men are used to being told who they are, so start telling them.

"You are beautiful!"
can go a very very long way with these people.

[Bubbs]

I don’t think it’s a hard concept to understand, but I guess it is for some.

For those who have always lived in relative safety it probably is a hard concept to grasp. "Well, I would have left the first time he hit me" - by the time he first hits you he's already convinced you that you're worthless and deserve it. Abusers pick their victims. They aren't going for a woman who has a strong will and character that will put up with the beginnings of abuse. He goes for women who through mental illness or conditioning will allow him to treat her the way he does. He chooses a woman who probably has few close (and especially strong) friends and family. And then she's afraid to tell anyone what's happening because she knows what women like many on this board would say.

I was a woman who said, I'd NEVER let someone treat me like that. Until I was in it, he caught me at a low point and then continued to chip away at that.

[7byher]

I don’t think it’s a hard concept to understand, but I guess it is for some.

For those who have always lived in relative safety it probably is a hard concept to grasp. "Well, I would have left the first time he hit me" - by the time he first hits you he's already convinced you that you're worthless and deserve it. Abusers pick their victims. They aren't going for a woman who has a strong will and character that will put up with the beginnings of abuse. He goes for women who through mental illness or conditioning will allow him to treat her the way he does. He chooses a woman who probably has few close (and especially strong) friends and family. And then she's afraid to tell anyone what's happening because she knows what women like many on this board would say.

I was a woman who said, I'd NEVER let someone treat me like that. Until I was in it, he caught me at a low point and then continued to chip away at that.

I'm sorry. Must have felt like a big betrayal to yourself.
You're perfect just the way you are and I'm damn proud of you for finding a way out.

[Momto2boys973]

No, it’s right there for everyone to see.
And, honestly, if you’re going to say something nasty about me, at least have the cojones to show yourself, so that I can know who to avoid. If you’re going to be a coward, hiding behind anonymity, then at least keep your peanut gallery comments about other people out of your replies. Sheesh, woman, have some dignity

There’s a lot of ignorance and victim blaming.
You can read in the now unfortunately locked post someone calling an abused woman who hasn’t left her husband a “shitty mom” for not leaving and even went as far as saying that she should go and leave the kids with the “competent parent”, a.k.a the wife beater... talk about victim blaming at its finest

You are leaving out part of what was said and taking it out of context. That isnt surprising for you though.

[Momto2boys973]

Thank you for that! Saved me the trouble of looking for it. So what I said was accurate. She (you, most likely) referred to the abuser as the “competent” parent. But the abused woman isn’t a competent parent. She’s the “shitty parent”.

There’s a lot of ignorance and victim blaming.
You can read in the now unfortunately locked post someone calling an abused woman who hasn’t left her husband a “shitty mom” for not leaving and even went as far as saying that she should go and leave the kids with the “competent parent”, a.k.a the wife beater... talk about victim blaming at its finest

This is exactly what was said.

"If he is not at all a risk to the children she should leave them with the competent parent. She is not that. She isnt a good mom, she isnt even competent enough to support herself or her children

If he is unsafe she should call CPS and fight for the kids to be placed with a competent relative.

She stops being a victim as soon as her kids are kept in an abusive situation. That just makes her a POS"

[Anonymous 2]

What you said was not accurate. You need to work on your reading comprehension.

Seems like neither parent is competent which is where the whole second part comes in.

Thank you for that! Saved me the trouble of looking for it. So what I said was accurate. She (you, most likely) referred to the abuser as the “competent” parent. But the abused woman isn’t a competent parent. She’s the “shitty parent”.

There’s a lot of ignorance and victim blaming.
You can read in the now unfortunately locked post someone calling an abused woman who hasn’t left her husband a “shitty mom” for not leaving and even went as far as saying that she should go and leave the kids with the “competent parent”, a.k.a the wife beater... talk about victim blaming at its finest

This is exactly what was said.

"If he is not at all a risk to the children she should leave them with the competent parent. She is not that. She isnt a good mom, she isnt even competent enough to support herself or her children

If he is unsafe she should call CPS and fight for the kids to be placed with a competent relative.

She stops being a victim as soon as her kids are kept in an abusive situation. That just makes her a POS"

[That'swhatshesaid]

I don’t think it’s a hard concept to understand, but I guess it is for some.

For anyone who isn't a close minded simpleton, it's easy to understand.