recovering addict tring to make amends

[Turkle]

"She refused to speak to him for me she called me every name in the book and told me basically she would never let me hurt or use her father. I was just desperate and needed somewhere to go I wasn't trying to use him. She never spoke to me again after that. "

You were trying to use her father; you were desperate and needed a place to stay.

Perhaps if and when your daughter has a child of her own, she might soften up a little bit.

[CotterpinDoozer]

She's made herself really clear here. You abandoned her, you can dress it up any which way you like, try and justify it so it lets you sleep at night, but she has valid points. Where were YOU when she needed you? From the way this letter reads, it sounds like the letter you sent her was full of false claims she could easily disprove. It sounds like you tried to make yourself out to the victim and put the blame on the man who took her in and raised her after not knowing she existed for years. There's a victim in this scenario, but it's not you. Leave her be if she wants a relationship with you, she'll seek you out.

I can't show you my letter but I can how hers. I am going to assume you all will agree with her.

Her response:
My name isn't **** anymore so dont call me that. I changed it 3 years ago to ***. One of the first things I did after turning 18. It's what Dad would have named me. I took his name because he is my real parent. I dont want anything from you. Least of all your name.

Where were you? Where were you when I had my first period? Sure dad fumbled through it as best he could but he doesn't have a vagina. Where were you when I started high school or got my first black belt or graduated high school? Where were you when I learned to fit myself for a bra? Dad took me to victoria's secret and asked the sales ladies to help fit me for a bra. Where were you? Where were you when I learned to put on makeup? Or take care of delicate clothes? Where were you? Where were you when I had my first heartbreak? Where were you for my dance recitals and birthdays? Half the time I didn't even get a card from you. Where you for my first photo shoot? For prom and homecoming? Where were you for any of it? I learned more about how to be a woman from dads ex gf's who I didn't get along with then I ever learned from you.

You want to come back now? Why? Because I almost died? I didn't matter to you for the last 13 years what difference does an accident make to you now? The last time I spoke to you, you were trying to use me to convince dad to let you stay with us because you were desperate. Desperate enough to talk to your daughter for the first time in 4 years? What do you want now mom? Did you get dumped again by the latest guy you shacked up with? When is the other shoe going to drop? Now you want to be my mother? After you neglected me, abandoned me, tried to manipulate me, lied to me. Now you want to come back? its too late for you to be my mother. You missed that. I needed you then, When I had my first period, when I needed my first bra thats when I needed you. You gave that responsibility to Dad who was both mom and dad to me. I don't know where we go from here. I learned how to live without you. You made me learn that.

You know the best thing you ever did for me was to leave. I dont love Dad because he bought me a car, or buys me clothes and things, I love Dad because Daddy actually cares about me. He actually loves me. He actually made sacrifices for me and put me ahead of himself. You just wanted to have fun and party and "live your life" and drink and smoke meth and sleep with guys and I was just an obstacle to your happiness. Guess what mom? I am dad's happiness. He never made me feel like I was standing in the way of his happiness. I know where I stand with him. I know he loves me more then anything. I have seen him do anything for me. He put me first these last 13 years when you were off in a drunken stupor slutting it up. Dad showed me how a real parent behaves. When his ex gf complained to him that we were too close, and that he spent too much time with me, when she told him that she would leave him if he didnt pay more attention to her he told her to GTFO. He told her I came before her and that would never change. Thats love mom. Thats what a parent does. That's something you could never do. You left me for a man, you left me for a bottle, you left me for a meth pipe, you left me to have fun and tour the world, you hid my father from me and lied to me about it.

The thing is mom. I know dad gave you every chance to be in my life when I was growing up. I remember him begging you not to walk out of my life. I remember he told you he would take care of me that you didnt have to worry about that, but you shouldn't just leave me, but you did anyway. I heard it mom. I heard those conversations, so you can't pretend he was the one that kept you away. You're a F***ing liar. OMG you are so manipulative. You had the chance to be in my life. You chose not to. You chose that. Now its my choice. And I dont want you in my life. He gave you the chance to be a part of my life. You spit it in our face. remember the last thing you said to me before we left california? do you remember? I will never forget it. "Someday you will understand. Someday you will understand I need adventure and excitement. I have to live my life and follow my heart" To this day I hate hearing people say they have to live their life or follow their heart. To me it is code for "I'm selfish" Well I am 21 now and I still dont understand. I still dont understand how you left me crying scared and alone. I hope its you who is crying scared and alone now. Now I can be the one to leave you. I F***ing hate you. You're everything I never want to be. A worthless whore and a drunk floozy. I want to be better then you but your bar is so low its pretty easy to step over. I am better then you. Smarter then you, prettier then you, stronger then you, kinder then you. When I have kids of my own I will never do to them what you did to me.

I don't understand how dad can even talk to you. What you did to him was almost as bad as what you did to me. really mom. How could you hide his daughter from him and then tell me he didnt want me? until it was convenient for you to leave me with him. What kind of sick person does that? I dont want to hear anymore of your F***ing excuses or your F***ing lies. Dad wanted me mom. He wanted me. You're the one who didnt want me. I dont give a shit if your sober now. Go and drink yourself to death for all I care. And you know even after you hid me from him and filled my head with lies about him he forgives you for it. he has more compassion for you then I do. I swear to god mom if you try and manipulate his good heart I will F***ing end you. I cant believe you would think I'd believe he is the villain in this. You've been gone for years. You havent been here when he told me to let my anger towards you go for my own sanity. You havent been here when I cried in his arms and asked him why you didn't want me and what was wrong with me, you weren't here to hear him tell me "nothing is wrong with you, you didn't anything wrong, your mother is sick sweetheart" and you think I am going to believe your lies that he is the reason you weren't around. I see right through your F***ing bullshit. You are F***ing delusional or stupid or both. He didn't want you seeing me because you're a drunk meth head whore. He didn't want me seeing you drunk or high. But you're always drunk and high. He was tired of seeing me cry for you. That was your choice not to sober up for a F***ing day. Thats all you had to do mom. Was not hit the bottle or the pipe one F***ing day to see me. now your sober? Well congratulations I dont F***ing care anymore. Go crawl back into whatever dumpster fire you crawled out of.

[Iffrinn]

Give her and her Dad your contact info and leave it up to her to contact you.

You didn't give her a choice when you dumped her on the doorstep of a man who was a stranger to her. At least have the decency to give her a choice now.

Obviously, I can't speak for your daughter, but if I were in her place, some small part of me would always care about you and wish you well, but I would never trust you again, and that would likely make a relationship impossible.

[Anonymous 6]

I know it all sounds terrible but I didn't have a lot of choices.

If I hadn't hidden her from him when she was born he never would have been able to finish college and establish a career a career that was able to provide for her.

I was on a timetable. The band had tour dates lined up and they couldn't wait for me to make the adjustment for her and I didn't have any other place to go. It was go on tour or live off his charity until he got sick of having me in his 2 bedroom apartment and kicked me back out again. meanwhile she was still finishing out the school year and I wanted her to be able to finish the year before she had to change schools when she moved in with her father. So I had to wait till she finished school but get her to her dad before the tour left. That gave me a very small window to work with. Plus I wanted them to have the summer so she could bond with him before she started at her new school. Which was a better school in a safer neighborhood. I didn't want her to have to adjust to life with her dad and a new school at the same time.

I knew he loved kids and animals and wanted to have kids so I knew she would be safe with him. Going on tour wasn't the only reason I left her with him. I left her with him because it was a better life with him. Had I kept her we would have struggled. Even if he started paying child support. I couldn't rely on indefinite charity from him. He is a good man but how long would anyone just keep paying for an alcoholic addict?

I didn't leave her with just anyone. I didnt leave her with some random stranger. I left her with her father and a man I knew was together, capable of providing for her, kind and gentle and sober. When we were together I saw how he was with my little brother. Even when he was a crazy teenager he had a heart for animals and kids. Keeping her from him gave him time to get his shit together and become the great father I knew he would be.

He gave her everything. She had a happy ending in all this. She grew up safe, loved, fed, housed, clothed, she was covered with medical insurance, he put away money for her college, he bought them a house in a good safe neighborhood, he has money stashed away for her for when he dies. She turned out ok. I made mistakes I should have made more of an effort to stay in her life. I should have cleaned up sooner, I should have done a lot of things but giving her to her dad was the right decision and I didn't have time to make that a smooth transition for her.

Just stop trying to justify your actions. You had more choices - except those choices didn't involve you getting to live your life and find adventure. You made bad choice after bad choice. You chose not to be involved. You chose not to visit until it was too late and until it was what you needed. Plenty of women on this site were teen moms and did not do what you did. They stepped up and raised their child. They stepped up and got a job to do so. They stepped up and got an education. Just stop trying to explain yourself to us.

And just stop trying to be in touch with your daughter. She has a good life and doesn't need you in it. The hurt you inflicted by how you abandoned her (and yes - that is exactly what you did) cannot be undone.

ETA: I just read the letter she wrote you. That says it all...once and for all leave her alone.

[Mrs.ChuckBass]

leave her alone

some things can't be fixed, what. you did? can't be fixed.

work on yourself

[ReadingRainbow]

You already made your choice... You left.

Our children aren't toys you can put down and pick up to play with later... You abandoned her, she grew up, and never developed the kind of connection with you that would carry into adulthood.

[cellomom26]

Leave her alone, you made choices and now she has made hers.

[QuantumNursing]

"She refused to speak to him for me she called me every name in the book and told me basically she would never let me hurt or use her father. I was just desperate and needed somewhere to go I wasn't trying to use him. She never spoke to me again after that. "

You were trying to use her father; you were desperate and needed a place to stay.

Perhaps if and when your daughter has a child of her own, she might soften up a little bit.

Why in the hell should daughter give her a do over baby

[DDPickles86]

Gawd. I hope this is a troll post, because if it's not, this is really sad and pathetic.

It's like vineyard mom all over again.

I was just thinking this too!! Thisis such a troll post it's not even funny. And everyone keeps commenting on it. Crazy.

[Deleted User 1018]

A mother child relationship is one bridge that isn't meant to be burned, especially for selfish reasons. Your child is young, so it is hard to say if she will come around or not. This is between you and her, and her father has no involvement in trying to force something like this.