Estranged family and people dying

[Anonymous 1]

Someone in my family died this week. They had cut off some family members 25 years ago. This person that got cut out is extreme toxic. I don't want to go into all the reasons.

Anyway some people want to contact them and let them know she died. Some want to invite them to their services. The spouse doesn't want them around at all. Would you let them know about the death? Before the services? After the services? Not at all?

[AZOldGal66]

I feel that regardless of how toxic the person may be, that telling them of the expected passing of another member of the family is just the right thing to do.

Families don't always get along and there can be actual hatred toward one another. However, it just feels like to not say anything can only breed more toxicity and contempt.

[mommy_jules]

In this scenario, who am I to the deceased, the spouse, and the estranged? Will they cause trouble or distress to those closest to the deceased (spouse, children, etc.)? There are just so many variables, imo, to answer this, so I’m not sure this a wrong or right answer to this question. You do what you believe is best.

[Anonymous 1]

In this scenario, who am I to the deceased, the spouse, and the estranged? Will they cause trouble or distress to those closest to the deceased (spouse, children, etc.)? There are just so many variables, imo, to answer this, so I’m not sure this a wrong or right answer to this question. You do what you believe is best.

My mom died and it's her sisters that estranged. My dad wants nothing to do with them.
I haven't seen my aunts since I was 15.

[Murdoc's Mistress]

I would say at least letting them know of the passing is fine. But they would not be invited to the service.

[MonarchMom]

If this was me I would honor my father's wishes. If you feel the extended family needs to be informed that can be done after the services, by sending a copy of the obituary notice to them by mail.

[Slimshandy]

If that is their sister, they have to know she has died… that’s the only decent thing to do.


You don’t however have to say anything about when or where the funeral will be.

[MonarchMom]

Going to weigh in from a different perspective - I have a sister I no longer speak with. I do not wish for her to be informed, notified or contacted in any way upon my death. If DH or anyone else decides to go against my wishes and do so, I will haunt them till they wish they hadn't.

If I was to find out she died a year ago, or a month ago, or yesterday, I would not be attending her funeral or imposing my own wishes on her family. I would respect our mutual estrangement.

[mommy_jules]

In this scenario, who am I to the deceased, the spouse, and the estranged? Will they cause trouble or distress to those closest to the deceased (spouse, children, etc.)? There are just so many variables, imo, to answer this, so I’m not sure this a wrong or right answer to this question. You do what you believe is best.

My mom died and it's her sisters that estranged. My dad wants nothing to do with them.
I haven't seen my aunts since I was 15.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’d probably defer to my dad’s wishes in your case.

[carterscutie85]

I'm estranged from the family I was born into. I want them to know 0 about my life, period, even if I die. They made their choices and they don't get to know about what happens with me. I absolutely would not tell her sisters or invite them.