Estranged family and people dying

[Anonymous 1]

If this was me I would honor my father's wishes. If you feel the extended family needs to be informed that can be done after the services, by sending a copy of the obituary notice to them by mail.

I don't want to tell them a thing. My sister wants to tell them.

[Anonymous 2]

If this was me I would honor my father's wishes. If you feel the extended family needs to be informed that can be done after the services, by sending a copy of the obituary notice to them by mail.

I don't want to tell them a thing. My sister wants to tell them.

[Olioxenfree]

If they’ve been estranged for twenty five years and the spouse doesn’t want them there, no they shouldn’t be invited to the service. We cut off one of my husbands brothers and unless he makes some major change while we are still alive, I would be furious if someone invited him to my husbands service against my wishes. After everything he put him through, he doesn’t get to be there.

[MonarchMom]

If they’ve been estranged for twenty five years and the spouse doesn’t want them there, no they shouldn’t be invited to the service. We cut off one of my husbands brothers and unless he makes some major change while we are still alive, I would be furious if someone invited him to my husbands service against my wishes. After everything he put him through, he doesn’t get to be there.

Agree with this completely. Some people want to see themselves as "peace makers" or "healers" and it is often at the expense of those who don't desire the connection. It just leads to more hurt and more people getting dragged in to the conflict. I would respect the wishes of the deceased and their spouse. If they wanted there to be a connection there would be.

[Momto2boys973]

I wouldn’t make that de idiom for myself. If the spouse doesn’t want them there, then respect their wishes.

[WellPreserved]

I would publicly post the obit and funeral/memorial information but not specifically notify the estranged family members separately. I would also inform the funeral home of possible unwanted guests. This is not something new for them and they will handle it.

[Olioxenfree]

If they’ve been estranged for twenty five years and the spouse doesn’t want them there, no they shouldn’t be invited to the service. We cut off one of my husbands brothers and unless he makes some major change while we are still alive, I would be furious if someone invited him to my husbands service against my wishes. After everything he put him through, he doesn’t get to be there.

Agree with this completely. Some people want to see themselves as "peace makers" or "healers" and it is often at the expense of those who don't desire the connection. It just leads to more hurt and more people getting dragged in to the conflict. I would respect the wishes of the deceased and their spouse. If they wanted there to be a connection there would be.

We’ve had plenty of well meaning (and some not well meaning) people who have tried. It took me a while to fully get it because I come from a close family with a huge emphasis on loyalty to your relatives, but I saw over time that not everyone has a good family and sharing dna doesn’t excuse you from being as horrible and toxic as you want to be to your relatives. If he made any sort of effort to acknowledge what he’s done and try to improve things, we would be open to that, but funerals are not the place for that. If they cared they should have shown up while the person was still alive. The funeral is for the family who actively have had their lives changed by that persons death and they don’t need the added stress of uncomfortable interactions.

[Traci_Momof2]

So the spouse of the deceased individual doesn't want that family member at the services? If that's correct I think the spouses wishes need to be honored above anyone else's. In that case, I wouldn't say anything to the family member in question until after the services. They perhaps deserve to know that the person died. They don't necessarily deserve to know right away.

[Vegaswife2011]

So the spouse of the deceased individual doesn't want that family member at the services? If that's correct I think the spouses wishes need to be honored above anyone else's. In that case, I wouldn't say anything to the family member in question until after the services. They perhaps deserve to know that the person died. They don't necessarily deserve to know right away.

I agree.

[Anonymous 1]

So the spouse of the deceased individual doesn't want that family member at the services? If that's correct I think the spouses wishes need to be honored above anyone else's. In that case, I wouldn't say anything to the family member in question until after the services. They perhaps deserve to know that the person died. They don't necessarily deserve to know right away.

Yes. Her husband doesn't not want her sisters at the service or anywhere near him.