Would you feel responsible?

[carterscutie85]

My husband's half brother is severely autistic.

He had been displaying behaviors from the time he was very young. I think he was around 7-8 when I went him and I knew immediately.

However his parents (FIL and his wife) are both deaf. And they very very very desperately wanted their son to be deaf too. So even though he repeatedly passed all his hearing screens, they kept insisting he was deaf and that was the cause for his behaviors. They refused to listen to multiple family members including my husband who said he needed to be evaluated and just kept clinging to him being deaf.

He was diagnosed a few years ago, but I don't know the final straw on what made them take him to be diagnosed. He has come a VERY long way since then.

Now as an adult he is extremely violent, and has hurt his parents multiple times.

My husband feels really guilty. He feels that if he had just bugged them more they'd have taken him sooner to get evaluated. But like I said it was more than just my husband. It was multiple family members and they just refused to listen, clinging to the hope he was deaf all those years instead.

I personally wouldn't feel guilty. I mean you can lead a horse but you can't make them drink, and as a non parent it's not like my husband could have taken him himself.

I do know CPS was called multiple times over the year but I don't know the details or why they didn't order for them to get their son help.

I also don't know why the school kept passing him but I do know they said the school had the same concerns as family and they just told the school he was deaf (without proof) and that's why he acted that way. I mean obviously the school knew he wasn't but that was their forever excuse until a few years ago.


They also live in a different state and we only have ever seen them 1-2 times a year since I met my husband.

[RIZZY]

I think it's human nature to feel bad and to feel responsible for things like this even when it isn't really your fault. Yes, I probably would feel some amount of responsibility.

But there were many people telling the parents what's what, and CPS was involved. You can't get much more of a push than that.

[MrsDavidB]

I mean even if he had earlier intervention he could have still wound up to be a violent adult. No way to know.

[Quorra2.0]

What is the age gap between your Dh and his brother? Was the shared biological parent born deaf or was this a progressive hearing loss? What is your dh’s relationship with his brother? With his parent and step parent?

In general, in my family, if it was a sibling, idk, I think I’d be frustrated and upset with my parents for not getting them the help they may have needed sooner, for setting them up for more struggles than they may already have. Idk if I’d feel responsible or not.

[Slimshandy]

They wanted him to be deaf?

Meaning they wanted him to have the same disability they had, or they weren’t willing to accept that he was autistic?

[Anonymous 1]

No I wouldn't. My dhs brothers are a lot younger than him. When we started dating they were 4 and 6. While they don't have any disabilities like that their mom self diagnosed them with everything and used it as an excuse to not educate them. She pulled them out of public school to "homeschool" them because she said with their autism and adhd they couldn't get up in the morning and ready for school. Daily she would say they didn't do school that day because they were having a bad day or their discalcula or disgraphia or dyslexia was making it too hard.
At one point the older one lived with us and as part of the terms of being able to do that he had to do schoolwork. He's incredibly focused and intelligent. He flew threw 2 years of math in 6 months no problem. We were flipping a house and he worked with us and we put money into a savings account in my name and his so his mom couldn't take it. He says we taught him to work hard and he wouldn't be successful as an adult if it wasn't for that.
I just wish we had been able to do the same for his other brother. He's a lazy couch surfer who believes his moms lies and that he has all of these disabilities and won't ever be able to live independently or hold a job.
You do what you can you can't be responsible for others decisions and actions.

[mater-three]

I am a parent of a child with severe autism. I spent years feeling responsible for Matthew’s diagnosis - but the simple fact is that it’s not my husband’s or my fault. It just is.

Point being - that if the autism isn’t parents’ fault (the autism isn’t), it certainly can’t be your husband’s.

These kids are some of the most amazing people on the planet. It’s important for all people involved to understand that he is aggressive because he can’t communicate what is going on. Speech therapy and OT will help a lot. Matthew uses a speech app on his iPad that “talks” for him.

Matthew can be aggressive too - but his isn’t based in anger or frustration so it’s likely a lot less severe.

[carterscutie85]

What is the age gap between your Dh and his brother? Was the shared biological parent born deaf or was this a progressive hearing loss? What is your dh’s relationship with his brother? With his parent and step parent?

In general, in my family, if it was a sibling, idk, I think I’d be frustrated and upset with my parents for not getting them the help they may have needed sooner, for setting them up for more struggles than they may already have. Idk if I’d feel responsible or not.

His father went deaf from an illness when he was 5. He was born hearing. I don't know the exact number but I'd say probably a good 20 years between them. I think my DH has a good relationship with his dad and stepmom but they do live in another state and we only see them once or twice a year.

[carterscutie85]

They wanted him to be deaf?

Meaning they wanted him to have the same disability they had, or they weren’t willing to accept that he was autistic?

Both. They went around proudly proclaiming that he was deaf like them.

[Quorra2.0]

What is the age gap between your Dh and his brother? Was the shared biological parent born deaf or was this a progressive hearing loss? What is your dh’s relationship with his brother? With his parent and step parent?

In general, in my family, if it was a sibling, idk, I think I’d be frustrated and upset with my parents for not getting them the help they may have needed sooner, for setting them up for more struggles than they may already have. Idk if I’d feel responsible or not.

His father went deaf from an illness when he was 5. He was born hearing. I don't know the exact number but I'd say probably a good 20 years between them. I think my DH has a good relationship with his dad and stepmom but they do live in another state and we only see them once or twice a year.

That’s a big age gap. They didn’t really grow up in the same household as brothers. Your dh was an adult when he was born. I can understand why he feels guilty, I don’t think he should but he’s going to have to reconcile that for himself. The head and heart aren’t always simpatico. Because he has always been an adult throughout his brother’s life and because he is his brother he feels he should have done more. That he’s failed him. BUT he did everything he could, others did what they could. His brother has been failed by his parents, CPS, the schools, each having had their own means to get his brother the diagnosis and help he has been needing. Each choosing not to. No amount of more pushing from dh was ever going to change their minds. Your dh did everything reasonably possible to help his brother and I hope he realizes that.

5 is still pretty young, so I’m not surprised over the ‘hoping” for deafness. It’s not all that uncommon in the deaf community.