Would this upset you? Adults siblings leaving you out

[PoplarGrove]

I'm still upset about this and I'm wondering if I'm being overly emotional.

About a month ago my sister (sister A) asked in a group chat what was happening for Easter. I replied I think I had my husband's kids thing on Saturday but that was it. I can't host any family things because my sister and her son are so allergic to cats they can't spend more than 20 minutes in my house even with allergy medication. My other sister (sister B) didn't know what her schedule was but she'd be working the Saturday or the Sunday. That was the last I heard anything so I kind of assumed nothing was happening.

My daughter lives out of town and it's nearing finals for her so I didn't know if she'd be able to make it into town but at the last minute she decided to come in Thursday night and leave Saturday afternoon. My Mom hasn't seen her in a couple months so on Friday my daughter called her to say she'd be popping in to see her. My Mom tells her she won't be home until the Saturday because she was at sister A's house with sister B. I was never told about this gathering and certainly wasn't invited.

We went to see my Mom on Saturday and she told us all about their day and evening as if it wasn't weird that I was left out. No one knew that my daughter was coming down so that wasn't the reason and my daughter actually lives 20 minutes away from sister A's house so it seems weird that they wouldn't have extended an offer to attend to her if they thought she was spending easter weekend alone.

It feels like, to me, that they purposely left me and my family out of this gathering and it really hurts. But my Dad also died 2 Nov 2022 and he would have NEVER let something like this happen so that might be part of my emotionalness. Maybe this is normal in families and my Dad just made sure I was included.

[SallyMae]

Sorry this holiday was emotional, and my condolences about your Dad. It's always hard, and harder when that leaves a communication void in the family. Hugs, friend!

[Olioxenfree]

You always have a right to your feelings, even if there could be an explanation. I don’t know your past relationship with your siblings or if there are other factors involved, but I would have a conversation about it with them. I would tell them that I’m not trying to accuse them of anything because I don’t know if they had a reason from their perspective to not invite you, like they misunderstood and thought you had plans, but it was hurtful to not spend the holiday with them so I’d like to know from their perspective why I wasn’t invited and what can be done from both sides to improve it in the future because I value our relationship.

They might have a reason that can be cleared up or sometimes people just aren’t good to their families for no good reason, which is hurtful even if it just is what it is. Either way it would be good to know from their perspective if leaving you out what intentional or not so you can emotionally better help yourself in the future. My husband has some family members, including siblings, who are very unpleasant to him for reasons that he has no control over. People will say “I can’t believe they would do that, doesn’t that bother you? It isn’t right” and he just says that yeah it sucks, but that is how they are and he knows to expect it and it would be a whole lot more hurtful if he came in with the expectation that they would treat him like family because he would just get continuously disappointed. Some relationships can be strengthened and repaired and others can’t, so it helps to know where you stand.

[Traci_Momof2]

I think this type of thing is highly dependent on the dynamics of the individual family. There are some families where no one would think twice about this sort of thing, and other families where feelings would be hurt and rightly so.

DH and I have always been a little bit left out with his family (not main holidays but other things) but we've always had the excuse of living further away than his siblings. So it's hard for me to say how it would be if we all lived close by.

[PoplarGrove]

I think this type of thing is highly dependent on the dynamics of the individual family. There are some families where no one would think twice about this sort of thing, and other families where feelings would be hurt and rightly so.

DH and I have always been a little bit left out with his family (not main holidays but other things) but we've always had the excuse of living further away than his siblings. So it's hard for me to say how it would be if we all lived close by.

I know they get together for each other's birthdays and never invite me but this is a first for a "major" holiday. I live a block away from my Mom so distance isn't a factor. I think what hurts the most is that my Mom knew and doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

[Anonymous 1]

I think this type of thing is highly dependent on the dynamics of the individual family. There are some families where no one would think twice about this sort of thing, and other families where feelings would be hurt and rightly so.

DH and I have always been a little bit left out with his family (not main holidays but other things) but we've always had the excuse of living further away than his siblings. So it's hard for me to say how it would be if we all lived close by.

I know they get together for each other's birthdays and never invite me but this is a first for a "major" holiday. I live a block away from my Mom so distance isn't a factor. I think what hurts the most is that my Mom knew and doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

Have you mentioned how you feel to your Mom?

[WellPreserved]

I’m an only child but this would hurt if it occurred among my group of close friends so imagine it would be painful if it happened with family. No advice other to say I’m sorry this happened and hugs.

[PoplarGrove]

I think this type of thing is highly dependent on the dynamics of the individual family. There are some families where no one would think twice about this sort of thing, and other families where feelings would be hurt and rightly so.

DH and I have always been a little bit left out with his family (not main holidays but other things) but we've always had the excuse of living further away than his siblings. So it's hard for me to say how it would be if we all lived close by.

I know they get together for each other's birthdays and never invite me but this is a first for a "major" holiday. I live a block away from my Mom so distance isn't a factor. I think what hurts the most is that my Mom knew and doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

Have you mentioned how you feel to your Mom?

I tried and she just blew it off with "well, you wouldn't have been able to come because Aimee was in town". But hey didn't know she was in town.

[Pjmm]

Maybe they thought you'd be busy with your husband's kids? Idk my brother has come to Florida without necessarily inviting me. Like they'll go to Disney or something and it's implied they want to be just them. But if they go to my parent's house we're invited. No one lives near anyone though, especially my oldest son, my brother and his wife. If they went to see my parents and no one mentioned it to me I'd wonder why it was a secret.

[PoplarGrove]

So, I have an update and I think Christmas just got a whole lot easier for my family.

I messaged in the group chat and jokingly said "Would have liked to see you guys. I guess maybe this summer if my family isn't too much for you all" and got the response from my sister of "you guys are a little too weird all at once". So then I called her...


Back story for context:

A year ago my third child came out as trans.
Last Spring my second child came out as gay and brought her girlfriend to family thanksgiving and Christmas.
In the summer my oldest child's partner came out as non-binary and began dressing very feminine and were at Thanksgiving and Christmas as their true self.
At Christmas my third told his cousins that he had a different name and used he/him pronouns and my sister seemed a little peeved that he told them himself instead of letting her do it (she was asked to do this before Thanksgiving and didn't and my son was upset and uncomfortable being deadnamed and misgendered and I took him home after an hour - her children are 17, 14 and 11 so they're not babies)
My oldest told me after the fact that she wouldn't be attending any more family gatherings because she, her partner and my second daughter and her girlfriend were ignored by everyone at Christmas and ended up hanging out in a corner by themselves. My youngest 2 hung out with their 17 year old cousin.

Apparently, according to our conversation, my children make my sisters uncomfortable and their children ask too many questions about them so they thought it would be easier if my family just wasn't invited. One thing that kept being reiterated was that it was unfair that I expected them to use the proper pronouns for people. "they/them" for my daughter's partner and "he/him" for my son because "it's hard" and she hopes I understand. I understand loud and clear.