My daughter tried to shoplift today ***UPDATE***

[Anonymous 1]

My 9yo daughter spent the night at my sister's house. They went to 5 below today, just before my sister dropped her off at our house. While there, my sister said she caught my daughter as she stuck candy in her pockets. When my sister arrived at my house, we stepped outside where she told me what happened. But the issue is, she told my daughter that she wouldn't tell me about it this time, but my daughter had to promise not to do it again. And that lead to her asking me not to say anything to my daughter about the incident. That, I have an issue with. I appreciate her setting my daughter straight; she had every right to do so being that she was in her care when it happened and my sister could have gotten into trouble by my daughter's actions, but I also need to speak with my daughter about it, because I want to know why. She hasn't done anything like this before, but she has been caught in lies, and she has started to sneak things. I feel like this is a deeper issue. I was going to go ahead and confront her about it, but I thought this is a good opportunity to see if she feels bad enough to come out and tell me about it herself. So I have been asking her about her time at her aunts house and where she went.. things that might give her an opportunity to let me know what happened. I even asked if she was on her best behavior and if she got into trouble, still nothing, She just looked at me and said no, and if I didnt know better, I would have believed her because it was just a simple jovial "nope". That really bothers me. So now Im debating on whether I should come out and tell her I know, Or how to approach this. I want her to know that I know. This is really off for her, or any of my kids. I really dont know how to approach this. And it's not just the fact that she did this today, like I said, its her behavior as of late thats troublesome.

***UPDATE***
I'd like to thank you all for your advice on this subject.

I spent the rest of the night contemplating on the right way to go about this, what would work specifically for my child and her needs. I took everyone's advice into careful consideration with regard for the situation. I know some of you do not think this is a big deal, and I get that. One mishap usually is not a big deal, so long as you let them know its not acceptable and wont be tolerated. But knowing my daughter, the situation here and her personality traits, this might not have been a capital offense, but this is something that I know I need to nip in the bud. Every child is different. And a parent, an attentive parent, will know their own child's personality and whether there is a potential problem brewing that needs the be addressed. Therefore, yes this is a bigger deal than most kids her age. And I took the necessary actions to try and reach her. Some of you might disagree with how I handled it, but I did what I thought would reach the areas of concern the most.

I decided to give her a final chance to come tell me about it. I did message my sister to let her know I was going to talk to my daughter I also asked her to send me a message telling me that she needed to talk to both me and my daughter. I approached my daughter and showed her the message and asked her if she knew what she was talking about. I get that some of you may think it was wrong but I have my reasons. I needed to see a reaction from her, so that I could gauge how far this issue went. At first she said "I dont know", but soon after she became upset and said she had to tell me something but she didnt want to get into trouble. We sat down and I said that whatever it is, she can tell me. And that I couldnt say she wont get into trouble, but we can work anything out. She just has to tell me. I also told her that it would be a lot better if I hear whatever it is from her than it would be from someone else. She told me what she did, and we had a long conversation about it. We went into how her actions can hurt other people, how they hurt her, what could happen to her. We also went into why she needs to come to me about these things and why she should never try and hide things from me. I also went into consequences and punishment, and why I have to punish her behavior at times. That I dont like to do these things, but its my job to teach her consequences to her choices. We also went into, when she does get into trouble, it is only because of her and nobody else -"who get you in trouble?", "I get myself into trouble.", "how do you get into trouble?", "By making bad choices." etc..

She is in trouble. I told her why she is in trouble, but I also explained to her that she is not in as much trouble as she would have been if I had heard it from someone else. That it was a good thing she came to me first and because of it, that spared her a little. But she is still in trouble because she did wrong. She hurt herself, she poorly represented herself, and she attempted to hurt others through her actions. She is grounded for a week. And she will be working off the amount of the candy she tried to steal x10. She will be doing extra chores and other duties. No Tv, phone, games, etc. She is limited to reading and extra school work.

Now I get that she didnt exactly choose to come to me, that I had to coax it out of her. But I have my reasons why I coaxed it out of her. I did this because I wanted it to be a teaching moment for her. I wanted to force her hand into coming to me first, so that she will learn right now the effects of letting me know what is going on, rather than letting me hear it from someone else. Being that this was her first real offense, I wanted this to be a good experience for her to learn from. I wanted her to see the reaction she would get for coming to me and telling me herself. That she doesnt have to ever fear coming to me. I did let her know that she would still get into trouble. But 1, coming to me first is her best option. 2, That choosing to do the right thing, even if you think you will get into trouble or make someone mad, is the best choice.

So that was how I decided to handle it. It was a little soft handed, but I think it was best for this time. I wanted this time to be a positive lesson and hopefully she will learn from this. I did focus a lot on guilt and tried my best to work on her moral compass. That was my biggest issue with all of this. It wasnt just the fact that she tried to steal. Like I had said in the comments, as my child, I can see this goes a lot deeper than what most would think. She had absolutely no qualms about what she did. I could see it written on her face, in her eyes and her over all attitude when I first gave her a chance to tell me about it. The same as when she lied to me before about what she did in our bathroom. So this goes deeper than just silly little kids stuff. This is an area where I recognized a budding issue, and I wanted to focus on it.

[Anonymous 2]

My 9yo daughter spent the night at my sister's house. They went to 5 below today, just before my sister dropped her off at our house. While there, my sister said she caught my daughter as she stuck candy in her pockets. When my sister arrived at my house, we stepped outside where she told me what happened. But the issue is, she told my daughter that she wouldn't tell me about it this time, but my daughter had to promise not to do it again. And that lead to her asking me not to say anything to my daughter about the incident. That, I have an issue with. I appreciate her setting my daighter straight; she had every right to do so being that she was in her care when it happened and my sister could have gotten into trouble by my daughter's actions, but I also need to speak with my daughter about it, because I want to know why. She hasn't done anything like this before, but she has been caught in lies, and she has started to sneak things. I feel like this is a deeper issue. I was going to go ahead and confront her about it, but I thought this is a good opportunity to see if she feels bad enough to come out and tell me about it herself. So I have been asking her about her time at her aunts house and where she went.. things that might give her an opportunity to let me know what happened. I even asked if she was on her best behavior and if she got into trouble, still nothing, She just looked at me and said no, and if I didnt know better, I would have believed her because it was just a simple jovial "nope". That really bothers me. So now Im debating on whether I should come out and tell her I know, Or how to approach this. I want her to know that I know. This is really off for her, or any of my kids. I really dont know how to approach this. And it's not just the fact that she did this today, like I said, its her behavior as of late thats troublesome.

Your sister screwed up by telling dd she wouldnt tell you.
Call your sister and tell her that she needs to tell dd that dd has to tell you about trying to steal the candy or your sister will tell you. Give dd one last chance to come clean.
If dd doesnt tell you then talk to her about this. Depending on how she responds, I may ground her

[Inmybizz]

My child I would confront her about the theft and lying.

[Inmybizz]

I forgot to add your sister should have never said she won't tell. She should have said I'm not going to tell but you are going to tell your mother what you did.

[Anonymous 1]

My 9yo daughter spent the night at my sister's house. They went to 5 below today, just before my sister dropped her off at our house. While there, my sister said she caught my daughter as she stuck candy in her pockets. When my sister arrived at my house, we stepped outside where she told me what happened. But the issue is, she told my daughter that she wouldn't tell me about it this time, but my daughter had to promise not to do it again. And that lead to her asking me not to say anything to my daughter about the incident. That, I have an issue with. I appreciate her setting my daighter straight; she had every right to do so being that she was in her care when it happened and my sister could have gotten into trouble by my daughter's actions, but I also need to speak with my daughter about it, because I want to know why. She hasn't done anything like this before, but she has been caught in lies, and she has started to sneak things. I feel like this is a deeper issue. I was going to go ahead and confront her about it, but I thought this is a good opportunity to see if she feels bad enough to come out and tell me about it herself. So I have been asking her about her time at her aunts house and where she went.. things that might give her an opportunity to let me know what happened. I even asked if she was on her best behavior and if she got into trouble, still nothing, She just looked at me and said no, and if I didnt know better, I would have believed her because it was just a simple jovial "nope". That really bothers me. So now Im debating on whether I should come out and tell her I know, Or how to approach this. I want her to know that I know. This is really off for her, or any of my kids. I really dont know how to approach this. And it's not just the fact that she did this today, like I said, its her behavior as of late thats troublesome.

Your sister screwed up by telling dd she wouldnt tell you.
Call your sister and tell her that she needs to tell dd that dd has to tell you about trying to steal the candy or your sister will tell you. Give dd one last chance to come clean.
If dd doesnt tell you then talk to her about this. Depending on how she responds, I may ground her

I agree. I just sent her a message telling her to let my daughter know she needs to tell me what happened. I also told her not to tell any of my kids that she will keep a secret for them about things like this. She needs to let them know that either she is going to tell me or they can tell me themselves. Even though my sister did let me know, I dont like that.

[Anonymous 1]

I forgot to add your sister should have never said she won't tell. She should have said I'm not going to tell but you are going to tell your mother what you did.

I agree. I told my sister to let my daughter know that she needs to tell me. Depending on how things go, I will have to figure out a punishment for her. I don't like her actions and I absolutely have an issue with her lying to me about it on top of her actions.

[Anonymous 3]

This is not unusual at all and most kids never do it again, especially once caught. If your sister made a deal with her she should honor it. Unless you think your child is having issues where she is using stealing as a release, then speak to her doctor.

[LiveWhatULove]

I am really sorry.

I think it would just break the trust with your sister. And use it as example, “how does that make you feel, you were lied to? Do you see the ramifications of lies? The damage to the relationship? Do you trust auntie now?“

Shoplifting at 9, Idk, I have a 9 year old. He has challenges but I cannot imagine him trying to steal. At that developmental age, they should be the past the impulsive ego of a younger child but not yet influenced by teen risk taking. I apologize but I find this to be a serious issue. Not to sound dramatic but I would be concerned for major issues or delays in her foundational value system that should be well established by this point, and should help guide the child through tween & teen years.

Good luck!

[LiveWhatULove]

This is not unusual at all and most kids never do it again, especially once caught. If your sister made a deal with her she should honor it. Unless you think your child is having issues where she is using stealing as a release, then speak to her doctor.

Is it common at 9? I did not know that. I thought it was common in younger kids or teens. I thought this age had a pretty good moral compass. But I am not expert. Idk, it would be very upsetting to me.

[Anonymous 3]

I am really sorry.

I think it would just break the trust with your sister. And use it as example, “how does that make you feel, you were lied to? Do you see the ramifications of lies? The damage to the relationship? Do you trust auntie now?“

Shoplifting at 9, Idk, I have a 9 year old. He has challenges but I cannot imagine him trying to steal. At that developmental age, they should be the past the impulsive ego of a younger child but not yet influenced by teen risk taking. I apologize but I find this to be a serious issue. Not to sound dramatic but I would be concerned for major issues or delays in her foundational value system that should be well established by this point, and should help guide the child through tween & teen years.

Good luck!

If he has challenges then maybe not. A study showed about 33% of kids and / or teens have shoplifted at least once. And most parents have the “not my kid” mentality.