DH is angry at me because I refused to take care of his kids during the week

[noitsmebecky]

I just don’t understand this. My boyfriend’s daughter is just part of our routine when she’s here. He’s hoping to get all summer with her next year and he travels for work sometimes so he might not be here sometimes but idc. It’s about her being with our family and that includes me and my kids.

They are part of our routine when they are here too which is every weekend. This would be a new routine that is not necessary or even wanted by anyone besides DH

My kids are not here. They would be leaving their mom and other siblings to come here and not even see their dad. Please explain how that makes sense

I mean your mind is made up so nothing I say will convince you.

But a blended family changes things. Your routine has to be flexible. So when Addie is here, my kids might not be here the whole time and Tony might be working but she still comes during the scheduled time or whatever. It means a lot to my boyfriend to have her here with us even if he’s not because he remembers visiting his father and the discomfort of knowing he could only be with his dad’s side when his dad was there. It made him feel like a guest of his father in the home and not a family member. And overall, he got along with his stepmother and stepsister. They were nice but he was his FATHER’S and knowing that made his time there a little awkward. And I kind of get that, although I didn’t even really feel like my dad’s. But it’s that awkwardness in the home, not truly feeling like it’s your home and you’re just visiting that we don’t want his daughter to feel and we’ve avoided it because she’ll call and ask to come when her mom has something going on and is comfortable staying with me.

[Deleted User 670]

He has the week of thanksgiving and 3 weeks off for Christmas every year. He also takes a week off for spring break the years they are with us.

He can take time off during the summer but he doesnt like to because it puts him behind and it stresses him out. I can somewhat understand that but it would be worth it if he spent some more time with the kids.

He spends the whole weekend with them and tries to do as much fun stuff with them as possible

Maybe he can take half days off over the summer for a week. Go into work in the morning and then leave at lunchtime to spend time with his family. Would that be possible? Maybe 3 half days a week - WTF? And he'd be getting 5 days a week with the kids.

He could but he wont.

I would have no problem with them being here more often but only if he is also making an effort to see them more too. I dont mind a compromise but he just wants me to do what he wants and not change anything.

That's sad.

[Anonymous 1]

I just don’t understand this. My boyfriend’s daughter is just part of our routine when she’s here. He’s hoping to get all summer with her next year and he travels for work sometimes so he might not be here sometimes but idc. It’s about her being with our family and that includes me and my kids.

They are part of our routine when they are here too which is every weekend. This would be a new routine that is not necessary or even wanted by anyone besides DH

My kids are not here. They would be leaving their mom and other siblings to come here and not even see their dad. Please explain how that makes sense

I mean your mind is made up so nothing I say will convince you.

But a blended family changes things. Your routine has to be flexible. So when Addie is here, my kids might not be here the whole time and Tony might be working but she still comes during the scheduled time or whatever. It means a lot to have my boyfriend to have her here with us even if he’s not because he remembers visiting his father and the discomfort of knowing he could only be with his fad’s side when his dad was there. It made him feel like a guest of his father in the home and not a family member. And overall, he got along with his stepmother and stepsister. They were nice but he was his FATHER’S and knowing that made his time there a little awkward. And I kind of get that, although I didn’t even really feel like my dad’s. But it’s that awkwardness in the home, not truly feeling like it’s your home and you’re just visiting that we don’t want his daughter to feel and we’ve avoided it because she’ll call and ask to come when her mom has something going on and is comfortable staying with me.

Being here every weekday isnt asking me to be flexible. It is asking me to give up stuff I already have planned. I have no problem with them spending more time here but it isnt going to be every week. They have come over many times when BM needed help and stuff like that. I have no problem being flexible. DH is the one not being flexible at all. He could take time off to spend more time with them but he wont.

They would be here with me alone. They would rather be with their mom and that is okay.

We see them every single weekend. There is nothing awkward about it for them.

[Momto2boys973]

IMHO, the point of visitation is to spend time WITH the other parent, not just AT the home of the other parent. If he can’t spend that time with them, then they should be with their mom. She and your DH should sit down and plan a better schedule so that the time the kids spend at his home it’s spend with him also.

[WickedPissah]

He has the week of thanksgiving and 3 weeks off for Christmas every year. He also takes a week off for spring break the years they are with us.

He can take time off during the summer but he doesnt like to because it puts him behind and it stresses him out. I can somewhat understand that but it would be worth it if he spent some more time with the kids.

He spends the whole weekend with them and tries to do as much fun stuff with them as possible

Maybe he can take half days off over the summer for a week. Go into work in the morning and then leave at lunchtime to spend time with his family. Would that be possible? Maybe 3 half days a week - WTF? And he'd be getting 5 days a week with the kids.

He could but he wont.

I would have no problem with them being here more often but only if he is also making an effort to see them more too. I dont mind a compromise but he just wants me to do what he wants and not change anything.

Would you have the same attitude if it was reversed and your dh stayed home you worked, and he said no way am I watching your kids and expected you to put them in daycare all a while still expecting you to support him?

[wildflowers25]

Too many men think their next wife should be the built in babysitter. He needs to take some time off in the summer. The entire point is for them to visit with him. That's why it's called visitation.

[Anonymous 1]

Maybe he can take half days off over the summer for a week. Go into work in the morning and then leave at lunchtime to spend time with his family. Would that be possible? Maybe 3 half days a week - WTF? And he'd be getting 5 days a week with the kids.

He could but he wont.

I would have no problem with them being here more often but only if he is also making an effort to see them more too. I dont mind a compromise but he just wants me to do what he wants and not change anything.

Would you have the same attitude if it was reversed and your dh stayed home you worked, and he said no way am I watching your kids and expected you to put them in daycare all a while still expecting you to support him?

I would never expect my DH to be sole childcare for my kids. However they were adults/near adults when we were married.

We both work.

[SisterSomeone]

Those poor kids. I really hate to hear step parents who knowingly married a partner with children behave this way. “My kids, his kids”. What ever happened to OUR kids. Ugh

That's just not how it works for some families. We don't have our kids. We just don't. When my husband and I met, I had a kid who was old enough to know what's what, and he had kids who were old enough to know what's what. We aren't going to force some dynamic that doesn't naturally exist between us.

My kid has never had a father in his life, but he was 11 when he first met my husband. I wasn't about to force him to call this random man dad when he knows damn straight that my husband isn't his dad. My husband's kids were 10 and 8 when I first met them. They have two wonderful, loving parents, and they know that I am not either of them. The single fastest way to alienate those kids would be by trying to insinuate myself into a place in their life where I don't belong. I have a super cool relationship with my husband's kids, but I'm not their mom, in either their view or my own. My husband has an awesome relationship with my son, but he's not my son's father. They are not our kids.

[SisterSomeone]

I don't blame you. He shouldn't have expected you to be a built-in babysitter. To me, the whole point of visitation is for kids to spend time with the other parent, rather than simply being at that parent's house. If your husband isn't able or willing to take time off to be with his kids, then there's no real point in them coming in the first place.

[Fullxbusymom]

Those poor kids. I really hate to hear step parents who knowingly married a partner with children behave this way. “My kids, his kids”. What ever happened to OUR kids. Ugh

That's just not how it works for some families. We don't have our kids. We just don't. When my husband and I met, I had a kid who was old enough to know what's what, and he had kids who were old enough to know what's what. We aren't going to force some dynamic that doesn't naturally exist between us.

My kid has never had a father in his life, but he was 11 when he first met my husband. I wasn't about to force him to call this random man dad when he knows damn straight that my husband isn't his dad. My husband's kids were 10 and 8 when I first met them. They have two wonderful, loving parents, and they know that I am not either of them. The single fastest way to alienate those kids would be by trying to insinuate myself into a place in their life where I don't belong. I have a super cool relationship with my husband's kids, but I'm not their mom, in either their view or my own. My husband has an awesome relationship with my son, but he's not my son's father. They are not our kids.

When my parents married us kids were all teenagers 17, 15, 14, & 13 nothing was forced on us. I call my step dad dad and the girls call my mom mom (we have our own bio parents but we all adore our parents and step parents as full parents as well. My sisters are just my sisters nobody would ever know we were a blended family step isn't even used in our house.

My experience is completely opposite from what you describe. I just see it so much differently they are our kids not yours and his and least that is how I feel it should be.