What can I do....Help/advice please!

[LiveWhatULove]

That sounds so stressful. Sorry this is long.

First thing, I would do is (don't hate me) but likely try to provide some rationalization for your crazy ass ex's behavior. Something like, "kids (especially your 9yo), when we get stressed with new situations, money, moving, etc. sometimes our body, specifically our minds sort of go into this survival mode and we stop using the front part of our brains. It happens to the best of us sometimes, like when you guys threw tantrums when you were little! So your dad is obviously saying things and behaving erratically with all the stress in his life with moving and Grandma getting upset. No, it's not right, but he certainly doesn't mean those things and adults make mistakes too. He loves you and knows you are good kids!! He may just need a break right now." I would do this not for him, but to try to lessen the damage to their self-esteem, from some asshole comments. AND really if he is usually not like this, then it is likely true.

Second, I would rally my support, finances and get arrangements for my kids while I worked.

Third, I would contact the ex, and say, "The children told me they did not feel welcome at your place, so would you like me to keep them for the next 2 weeks, while you get settled? After that time I will call you to see how you are feeling about the kids."

I would not threaten him with court.
I would not accuse him of being an ass, even though he totally is one.
I would be worried of more attacks or violence if I caused him more stress, because he seems to be pretty damn unstable.
So pretty much my whole goal would be about keeping my children safe and as emotionally well as possible, until he calmed the F down.

It's really not an issue about getting someone to watch the kids while I work, my dad is retired and will watch them everyday if I asked, my mom only works 2 days a week and my brother is off nights. So that's really a non issue.

I talked to the 9 year old and told her that I am not trying to keep her away from her dad, but if he says you can't be there then, you have to stay with me or go with Big Pa (my dad). She is still upset and wants to be with her dad because she loves him. The other 2 just flat out are done with him, while this is the first time he kicked them out, it's not the first time he has screamed an yelled at them.

He wouldn't go for me keeping them for 2 weeks, I know he would call the police and cause a huge scene over it. Especially on Sunday for fathers day. Not that I am not willing to deal with that for the kids. I just am so confused and hurt for my kids sake.

Oh, ok, I misunderstood, I truly thought he literally did not want them & was refusing to take them. making you come get them all willy nilly.

Well, then I would still just keep stressing, their father is human and not coping well. And their job is to try to be calm and patient with him. Record the behavior through this volatile time, so when the time comes to re-evaluate custody, you have all your little ducks in a row.

Good luck!

[AnakinVader]

That sounds so stressful. Sorry this is long.

First thing, I would do is (don't hate me) but likely try to provide some rationalization for your crazy ass ex's behavior. Something like, "kids (especially your 9yo), when we get stressed with new situations, money, moving, etc. sometimes our body, specifically our minds sort of go into this survival mode and we stop using the front part of our brains. It happens to the best of us sometimes, like when you guys threw tantrums when you were little! So your dad is obviously saying things and behaving erratically with all the stress in his life with moving and Grandma getting upset. No, it's not right, but he certainly doesn't mean those things and adults make mistakes too. He loves you and knows you are good kids!! He may just need a break right now." I would do this not for him, but to try to lessen the damage to their self-esteem, from some asshole comments. AND really if he is usually not like this, then it is likely true.

Second, I would rally my support, finances and get arrangements for my kids while I worked.

Third, I would contact the ex, and say, "The children told me they did not feel welcome at your place, so would you like me to keep them for the next 2 weeks, while you get settled? After that time I will call you to see how you are feeling about the kids."

I would not threaten him with court.
I would not accuse him of being an ass, even though he totally is one.
I would be worried of more attacks or violence if I caused him more stress, because he seems to be pretty damn unstable.
So pretty much my whole goal would be about keeping my children safe and as emotionally well as possible, until he calmed the F down.

It's really not an issue about getting someone to watch the kids while I work, my dad is retired and will watch them everyday if I asked, my mom only works 2 days a week and my brother is off nights. So that's really a non issue.

I talked to the 9 year old and told her that I am not trying to keep her away from her dad, but if he says you can't be there then, you have to stay with me or go with Big Pa (my dad). She is still upset and wants to be with her dad because she loves him. The other 2 just flat out are done with him, while this is the first time he kicked them out, it's not the first time he has screamed an yelled at them.

He wouldn't go for me keeping them for 2 weeks, I know he would call the police and cause a huge scene over it. Especially on Sunday for fathers day. Not that I am not willing to deal with that for the kids. I just am so confused and hurt for my kids sake.

Oh, ok, I misunderstood, I truly thought he literally did not want them & was refusing to take them. making you come get them all willy nilly.

Well, then I would still just keep stressing, their father is human and not coping well. And their job is to try to be calm and patient with him. Record the behavior through this volatile time, so when the time comes to re-evaluate custody, you have all your little ducks in a row.

Good luck!

Thanks.

It's kind of a little of both, he takes them, then somthing dumb happens like they don't want to pack for 5 hours and he get made and tells them to call me to come get them because he doesn't want them there anymore, and then because he is mad he refuses to take them the next day or whatever to try to punish them and me.

But, he will throw a fit if I don't send them when he "wants" them for whatever reason...

It just a mess.

[Guest]

It's really not an issue about getting someone to watch the kids while I work, my dad is retired and will watch them everyday if I asked, my mom only works 2 days a week and my brother is off nights. So that's really a non issue.

I talked to the 9 year old and told her that I am not trying to keep her away from her dad, but if he says you can't be there then, you have to stay with me or go with Big Pa (my dad). She is still upset and wants to be with her dad because she loves him. The other 2 just flat out are done with him, while this is the first time he kicked them out, it's not the first time he has screamed an yelled at them.

He wouldn't go for me keeping them for 2 weeks, I know he would call the police and cause a huge scene over it. Especially on Sunday for fathers day. Not that I am not willing to deal with that for the kids. I just am so confused and hurt for my kids sake.

Oh, ok, I misunderstood, I truly thought he literally did not want them & was refusing to take them. making you come get them all willy nilly.

Well, then I would still just keep stressing, their father is human and not coping well. And their job is to try to be calm and patient with him. Record the behavior through this volatile time, so when the time comes to re-evaluate custody, you have all your little ducks in a row.

Good luck!

Thanks.

It's kind of a little of both, he takes them, then somthing dumb happens like they don't want to pack for 5 hours and he get made and tells them to call me to come get them because he doesn't want them there anymore, and then because he is mad he refuses to take them the next day or whatever to try to punish them and me.

But, he will throw a fit if I don't send them when he "wants" them for whatever reason...

It just a mess.

What exactly does the CO say in terms of visitation

[AnakinVader]

Oh, ok, I misunderstood, I truly thought he literally did not want them & was refusing to take them. making you come get them all willy nilly.

Well, then I would still just keep stressing, their father is human and not coping well. And their job is to try to be calm and patient with him. Record the behavior through this volatile time, so when the time comes to re-evaluate custody, you have all your little ducks in a row.

Good luck!

Thanks.

It's kind of a little of both, he takes them, then somthing dumb happens like they don't want to pack for 5 hours and he get made and tells them to call me to come get them because he doesn't want them there anymore, and then because he is mad he refuses to take them the next day or whatever to try to punish them and me.

But, he will throw a fit if I don't send them when he "wants" them for whatever reason...

It just a mess.

What exactly does the CO say in terms of visitation

He gets them Thursday After school (10am in the summer)- Friday @ 8pm and then Saturday after work (6:30pm) until Sunday night @ 8 pm.

He gets father's day and 1/2 days on Major holidays. He can if he wants (but never has in the 4 years we have been divorced) have them for 10 straight days in the summer as long as he hives a month notice.

[CMrefugee]

I don't know what to say other than good luck. I have zero experience in this sort of thing. It sounds so stressful though and I feel badly for your 9 year old. I hope her dad gets his shit together soon.

[CreamTop]

Well, then I would still just keep stressing, their father is human and not coping well. And their job is to try to be calm and patient with him. Record the behavior through this volatile time, so when the time comes to re-evaluate custody, you have all your little ducks in a row.

Good luck!
[/quote]

What the heck, it is in NO WAY the children’s “job” to put up with abusive behavior like this! No wonder the world has gone completely nuts, what are you thinking here?

[eyes4ears]

That sounds so stressful. Sorry this is long.

First thing, I would do is (don't hate me) but likely try to provide some rationalization for your crazy ass ex's behavior. Something like, "kids (especially your 9yo), when we get stressed with new situations, money, moving, etc. sometimes our body, specifically our minds sort of go into this survival mode and we stop using the front part of our brains. It happens to the best of us sometimes, like when you guys threw tantrums when you were little! So your dad is obviously saying things and behaving erratically with all the stress in his life with moving and Grandma getting upset. No, it's not right, but he certainly doesn't mean those things and adults make mistakes too. He loves you and knows you are good kids!! He may just need a break right now." I would do this not for him, but to try to lessen the damage to their self-esteem, from some asshole comments. AND really if he is usually not like this, then it is likely true.

Second, I would rally my support, finances and get arrangements for my kids while I worked.

Third, I would contact the ex, and say, "The children told me they did not feel welcome at your place, so would you like me to keep them for the next 2 weeks, while you get settled? After that time I will call you to see how you are feeling about the kids."

I would not threaten him with court.
I would not accuse him of being an ass, even though he totally is one.
I would be worried of more attacks or violence if I caused him more stress, because he seems to be pretty damn unstable.
So pretty much my whole goal would be about keeping my children safe and as emotionally well as possible, until he calmed the F down.

Second and third point!

[eyes4ears]

To keep from being in contempt od court you will have to let them go on his time if he wants them.
Every day will have to be a pay it by ear situation, jusr be ready for either him not taking them, or someone calling to be picked up.
I think you need to sit down and talk to the ex and tell him exactly what he his doing to these kids and how hurt they are.
Also document everything in caae you have to go back to court.
Big hugs

[eyes4ears]

To keep from being in contempt od court you will have to let them go on his time if he wants them.
Every day will have to be a pay it by ear situation, jusr be ready for either him not taking them, or someone calling to be picked up.
I think you need to sit down and talk to the ex and tell him exactly what he his doing to these kids and how hurt they are.
Also document everything in caae you have to go back to court.
Big hugs

[noitsmebecky]

That’s really rough. I wish I had some advice for you. My son is a little older than your daughter and it’s been rough for him adjusting to his dad becoming less and less involved. I’m not overly fond of his family but they actually keep the kids on his time so they still have that. Again, I’m really sorry. I just try to be consistently there for my son when he’s upset and listen to him. I try not to comment too much on my ex’s choices and behavior other than “I’m sorry that you’re feeling x, y, and z. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”