Shared finances vs separate accounts

[Traci_Momof2]

Couples combining and sharing their finances has been the norm for a very long time (since before most women had their own finances). In recent decades it's become more and more normal for couples to have separate accounts and keep their finances separate. One argument in favor of separate accounts that I've seen over and over again is that it greatly reduces the arguments about money.

Or does it?

I've seen stories recently where separate finances among a couple were the cause of an argument. In one situation, the couple had already created a joint account while also keeping separate accounts, but were not yet married. He used the joint account to help pay for her engagement ring and she got mad and thought it was wrong and thought he should've paid with his money only.
In another situation a couple had been married for many years but had separate accounts. He tried to be helpful by putting her wash in the dryer while she was gone all day. However, there were two blouses that shouldn't go in the dryer and they were ruined. She argued that he should use his money to replace her blouses but he rebutted that he was just trying to help and if she wants them replaced (unnecessary because she has so many anyway) that she should use her money.

In both examples, if money was completely combined then there would be no question of who pays for the item. It would just be bought and paid for unless the couple agreed not to buy the item. DH and I have always had completely combined finances since the day we married. We have never fought over who is supposed to pay for what. Not even when he made more than me. Not even when I made more than him. It's all our money and we decide what to do with it.

So I don't know about others but from where I'm sitting separate finances seems to create more arguments than it solves. What do you think?

[AZOldGal66]

In the examples you wrote about, it sounds like more than finances are an issue for the couples.

We've always shared since we were married 38 years ago. It's what has worked for us.

However, other couples have will choose what works for them.

[WellPreserved]

My husband and I had a combination of shared finances and separate finances and we never argued about it. My best friend and her husband had completely separate finances and while I thought the spreadsheet on their refrigerator regarding who was responsible for what financially was odd, it worked for them and still does - they've been married 30 years.

I think both separate or combined can work or be problematic, especially if there is not good communication.

[MonarchMom]

I like a hybrid approach. Separate accounts for your own spending money, side-gig earnings, monetary gifts, etc., and shared accounts for long-term goals, retirement, house payments, insurance, and similar.

I don't want to have to discuss, disclose or account for everything I spend. But the big picture finances I prefer to be something we work on together.

I do agree that communication is key, and sharing the same approach to saving, spending and debt are the foundation of a good partnership.

[Anonymous 1]

A few years ago, we went through some really hard times. My husband was not working as much and we were constantly coming up short. I felt so burdened and so much pressure because I felt like we were relying primarily on my income. My husband's solution was to create his own bank account where his checks would go and move some of the bills to that account.

I didn't like the idea at first. But it gave us each so much more clarity on what we were spending and where our money was going. He felt more pressure to work so his income went up greatly. We both started paying more attention to what we were spending- on everything from where we set the A/C to how much we were spending on going out to eat. I find it so much easier to keep track of the bank account when there is only one card/one person's transactions going through.

Since we've been doing this, we've paid off all of our debt, started retirement accounts, and planned/paid for a vacation to Europe just for the two of us this summer.

Is it the only way to accomplish this? Nope. It was an unintended bonus. No idea if we will continue this in the future but it's definitely working well for us now. We haven't argued about finances since we started and now we both feel satisfied at how hard we are each working to support our family.

[Rosehawk]

Couples combining and sharing their finances has been the norm for a very long time (since before most women had their own finances). In recent decades it's become more and more normal for couples to have separate accounts and keep their finances separate. One argument in favor of separate accounts that I've seen over and over again is that it greatly reduces the arguments about money.

Or does it?

I've seen stories recently where separate finances among a couple were the cause of an argument. In one situation, the couple had already created a joint account while also keeping separate accounts, but were not yet married. He used the joint account to help pay for her engagement ring and she got mad and thought it was wrong and thought he should've paid with his money only.
In another situation a couple had been married for many years but had separate accounts. He tried to be helpful by putting her wash in the dryer while she was gone all day. However, there were two blouses that shouldn't go in the dryer and they were ruined. She argued that he should use his money to replace her blouses but he rebutted that he was just trying to help and if she wants them replaced (unnecessary because she has so many anyway) that she should use her money.

In both examples, if money was completely combined then there would be no question of who pays for the item. It would just be bought and paid for unless the couple agreed not to buy the item. DH and I have always had completely combined finances since the day we married. We have never fought over who is supposed to pay for what. Not even when he made more than me. Not even when I made more than him. It's all our money and we decide what to do with it.

So I don't know about others but from where I'm sitting separate finances seems to create more arguments than it solves. What do you think?

I saw the engagement ring one. IMO she was being an entitled bitch.

In my house we have a joint account that his paycheck goes into (he's definitely the breadwinner). We discuss all purchases over $50. I also have a separate account that my paycheck goes into. It was supposed to be the fun money but because we suck at sticking to a budget, it pays more bills than I like. I am the only one with access to this account because I do not at all agree with his religion, and refuse to have 10% of my income taken by his church; a religion I don't believe in. So, to make sure that doesn't happen, I'm the only name on the account.

While this (mostly) works for us, it may not work for another couple. Each couple needs to figure out what's going to work for them and go with that.

[carterscutie85]

Me and my DH have separate bank accounts. He was managing the bills for a long time and failing. About a year ago he made it to where all but $200 of his check goes into my account. I now manage all finances and we are doing good. I would never ever share a bank account with anyone, period.

[Anonymous 2]

We have a shared bank account. He is the only one who works but I control all of the money. Not because I'm a controlling, selfish person but because we established in the first year of marriage when our credit card was maxed out that he is no good with money. His parents taught him crazy things like to always refinance a house every chance you get because it's free money and that it's a good thing to finish off food so you need to go buy more. He asks me anytime he needs something or wants something if we have the money for it and if we don't right then I write down the amount he needs and make sure I prioritize saving that for him. He's not one to spend money on himself so when he asks I really put in the effort.
My brother and his wife have separate accounts but she guilt trips him into spending all of his money on her. She blew through his substantial savings account and it's so sad.

[Heyteacher]

Even whe. I was a SAHM we shared finances. It’s never been yours or mine.

We do have our own cc accounts, it those are paid from our joint account. It’s never been an issue.

[WellPreserved]

My husband passed away 1 1/2 years ago and this is my recommendation, for what it's worth.

Regardless of how you divvy up bills, make sure your partner/spouse is beneficiary on bank accounts and personal property (on the title for vehicles)
Keep credit card primaries separate but make sure you are a co-signer
keep a bank account in your name only as well as credit cards and make sure you are the beneficiary of your spouses bank accounts and vise versa
Check and make sure that all accounts such as IRAs, 401k, as well as any stock holdings has you as the beneficiary

This all is really important, especially if your partner has a budgeting or spending problem or has poor credit