Taking Dementia patients out to eat

[RIZZY]

Yesterday, I took my parents to a medical appointment and they wanted to go out to eat afterwards. We went to a Tex Mex restaurant. My step dad ended up making multiple complaints to management about the service and at least 2 of them were not true.

He complained that his meal was missing something, this was true. Then he complained that he ordered another margarita and it never came. This is partially true- my step dad ordered a "margarita re-fill" and I was joking with him that "yeah, you want a free refill". I think the server thought we were joking about wanting another margarita because of my demeanor so he never brought one. He complained that the server did not speak English. Totally untrue. I could tell the guy understood everything we said, even if he had a strong accent and didn't have perfect English. Finally, he complained that the server didn't check on us again after he delivered our food. Totally untrue. The server checked on us several time and I had a full on conversation. I was ordering everything and asking and answering questions in Spanish so maybe my step dad was confused. But I also repeated everything in English for my step dad so IDK why he thinks our server never checked on us.

I could tell the server got in trouble because his demeanor after that was totally different. I made a point to go tell the management that my parents have a little bit of dementia and that the server was actually great.

My mom is not as ornery as my step dad is but I have also had so much trouble lately taking her out places. She is very slow when it comes to payment. She just gets so confused about credit cards and math. If we are somewhere that we would normally leave a tip, I will do the math for her and sign for her so that she doesn't get upset when she gets confused. And I have had multiple people take an attitude with her about it because they think that she is arguing about price or tipping or doesn't want to tip. She does. She's always been a good tipper. She just has dementia now and she gets confused and can't express what is bothering her.

Does anyone have experience with this? Do you have any tips? My parents are SO lonely, I need to take them more places. But I'm starting to have so much anxiety about going out with them because of things like this.

[Traci_Momof2]

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. That has to be rough with both of them having dementia.

My MIL is in the early stages of dementia, and we live far away from them so I only see her about one week a year. This past summer when I was there the main things I saw in her was lack of short term memory and getting easily confused. No kind of aggression or anything like that. So I'm guessing along the same lines as your mom. The difference is that my FIL is still good 100% mentally, so any time her symptoms get in the way of what she's doing he can help her out and take care of it. So even when I'm around I don't necessarily have to worry about how to "handle her" so to speak.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. I hope you find something that works for you.

[WellPreserved]

My mother has early stage dementia and I totally get what your saying and the difficulties surrounding taking your parents out. My mother is now wheelchair bound so I don't take her out when we visit but rather we just order in. She also lives in an Assisted Living facility so she eats most meals in the company of her friends.

I think it was perfect that you apologized to the management because a lot of people wouldn't. In the future, it might be a good idea to give a heads up to the restaurant/shop prior or as you enter. Most people have dealt at one time or another with someone who has dementia or Alzheimers and I think they would be understanding and supportive.

My husband's uncle doesn't have dementia, he's just an asshole and I used to warn local businesses and restaurants when he was coming for a visit!

[LiveWhatULove]

I am sorry.

It sucks, but we actually have to interrupt and take control of public situations with my in-laws. It is infantilizing, but I am not going to just sit there are let MIL or FIL be assholes to servers or workers. We also have actually escorted them out of restaurants before — we also try to set ground rules before going in,, that all complaints and payments have to go through us, before we even get there. Fortunately, my mom and dad are confused but just sit there in silence and do not bother people.

We have arranged for some regular spots for FIL to meet with friends to address his loneliness. We are also working very hard to get in-laws in an assisted living facility so they can make more friends. My parents are not ready for that yet, but mom seems safe to drive and stays busy with grandkid activities, while my dad sits quietly, or at least is easily redirected.

[PoplarGrove]

When my Grandma was experiencing dementia in her last decade I had cards I'd printed that I handed discretely to the server when we were seated at a restaurant. It covered the fact that she had dementia and may say or do things that are considered rude or inappropriate and asked the server to just "go along" with it. 99.9% of the time it worked well and if she got upset or confused they pretended her version of reality was correct. One place we frequented for lunch had a server named Jessica. Except when we were there and she was Anita. I have no idea why, I assume she looked like an Anita my Grandmother knew when she was younger.

[Anonymous 1]

I was also going to suggest the cards. It will help maintain their dignity while informing the server why they may act the way they do. I'd also include on there that they may complain about good service being poor because they don't accurately remember the service. That way if they get in trouble with management they can show them the card.