Is this S. Assault?

[Anonymous 3]

You have more than one teenage son? That's interesting as you said in a previous reply your eldest is 13. And you really talk about drunken S*x with your 13 year old? Do they hang with a wild crowd or...?

It doesn't sound, based on what you said, that shes accusing him of sexual assault. It sounds like she was uncomfortable with the situation and needs to take a step back from it. It does not sound like he intended to assault her and he did his due diligence to make sure she was consenting, but it overall does not sound like a healthy set up. Drunk people can not consent, even if they say yes. If they are regularly planning to get drunk and have S*x, they are running the probable risk that one of them one of these times might verbally say yes when they wouldn't have when sober. We regularly remind our teenage sons that if they put themselves in situations where they are going to get drunk before having S*x, that isn't actually consentual and they run the risk of causing harm to the person they are having S*x with, even if they don't intend to.

In this case she may have not been drunk, but she had just woken up likely with a hang over and was likely not thinking clearly. Does that mean he is a bad person? No. But, that doesn't mean she isn't entitled to her feelings. The feeling of being out of control of the situation likely brought back a lot of emotions. Given that it sounds like these random hookups seem to be what their relationship is built on since they don't go anywhere together, by taking a step back from the S*x she is taking a step back from their relationship in general. We teach our kids that there is a difference between morals and ethics. Something can not be classified as a sexual assault, but if it ends in your partner feeling uncomfortable or hurt, that isn't something you want to do to someone you love. Just because he wasn't "wrong" doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything about it. If I were him, I would tell her that he loves her and does not want to make her feel that way. It wasn't his intention to make her uncomfortable but he recognizes that it did, so if there is anything we could put in place beyond a verbal queue to prevent this from happening again, he would be happy to do so. But, if she overall is unhappy with the relationship and it isn't just getting past the S*x, I would respect that.

[Olioxenfree]

My second son is 12.5, so close enough that it’s just easier to say “teens” instead of “teen and preteen.” And yes, I talk to my 13 and 12 year olds about consensual S*x and drinking. We talk to all of our kids about consent and respect for others bodies on age appropriate levels and give more information as they get older. The majority of teens have S*x by seventeen with a third having S*x by 15, we don’t wait until our kids are actively having S*x to start having the important conversations. You think 13 year olds don’t talk about S*x even if they aren’t having it? We want them to get the right information from the right sources. Most teens have tried alcohol by age 15.

You have more than one teenage son? That's interesting as you said in a previous reply your eldest is 13. And you really talk about drunken S*x with your 13 year old? Do they hang with a wild crowd or...?

It doesn't sound, based on what you said, that shes accusing him of sexual assault. It sounds like she was uncomfortable with the situation and needs to take a step back from it. It does not sound like he intended to assault her and he did his due diligence to make sure she was consenting, but it overall does not sound like a healthy set up. Drunk people can not consent, even if they say yes. If they are regularly planning to get drunk and have S*x, they are running the probable risk that one of them one of these times might verbally say yes when they wouldn't have when sober. We regularly remind our teenage sons that if they put themselves in situations where they are going to get drunk before having S*x, that isn't actually consentual and they run the risk of causing harm to the person they are having S*x with, even if they don't intend to.

In this case she may have not been drunk, but she had just woken up likely with a hang over and was likely not thinking clearly. Does that mean he is a bad person? No. But, that doesn't mean she isn't entitled to her feelings. The feeling of being out of control of the situation likely brought back a lot of emotions. Given that it sounds like these random hookups seem to be what their relationship is built on since they don't go anywhere together, by taking a step back from the S*x she is taking a step back from their relationship in general. We teach our kids that there is a difference between morals and ethics. Something can not be classified as a sexual assault, but if it ends in your partner feeling uncomfortable or hurt, that isn't something you want to do to someone you love. Just because he wasn't "wrong" doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything about it. If I were him, I would tell her that he loves her and does not want to make her feel that way. It wasn't his intention to make her uncomfortable but he recognizes that it did, so if there is anything we could put in place beyond a verbal queue to prevent this from happening again, he would be happy to do so. But, if she overall is unhappy with the relationship and it isn't just getting past the S*x, I would respect that.

[PoplarGrove]

You have more than one teenage son? That's interesting as you said in a previous reply your eldest is 13. And you really talk about drunken S*x with your 13 year old? Do they hang with a wild crowd or...?

It doesn't sound, based on what you said, that shes accusing him of sexual assault. It sounds like she was uncomfortable with the situation and needs to take a step back from it. It does not sound like he intended to assault her and he did his due diligence to make sure she was consenting, but it overall does not sound like a healthy set up. Drunk people can not consent, even if they say yes. If they are regularly planning to get drunk and have S*x, they are running the probable risk that one of them one of these times might verbally say yes when they wouldn't have when sober. We regularly remind our teenage sons that if they put themselves in situations where they are going to get drunk before having S*x, that isn't actually consentual and they run the risk of causing harm to the person they are having S*x with, even if they don't intend to.

In this case she may have not been drunk, but she had just woken up likely with a hang over and was likely not thinking clearly. Does that mean he is a bad person? No. But, that doesn't mean she isn't entitled to her feelings. The feeling of being out of control of the situation likely brought back a lot of emotions. Given that it sounds like these random hookups seem to be what their relationship is built on since they don't go anywhere together, by taking a step back from the S*x she is taking a step back from their relationship in general. We teach our kids that there is a difference between morals and ethics. Something can not be classified as a sexual assault, but if it ends in your partner feeling uncomfortable or hurt, that isn't something you want to do to someone you love. Just because he wasn't "wrong" doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything about it. If I were him, I would tell her that he loves her and does not want to make her feel that way. It wasn't his intention to make her uncomfortable but he recognizes that it did, so if there is anything we could put in place beyond a verbal queue to prevent this from happening again, he would be happy to do so. But, if she overall is unhappy with the relationship and it isn't just getting past the S*x, I would respect that.

I started talking about S*x and consent with my kids when they were 10. By 12 it was drinking, drugs. It's important to give them the information before they get it from their peers or social media.