My estranged father is dying....

[Anonymous 1]

if this man is truly the monster you've painted him as and you cut him out years ago i don't understand the guilt part of not going to see him. i know grief happens in often mysterious and very personal ways. if it were me, it'd just be news that went in one ear and out the other, if he's really the person you say he is. dying doesn't suddenly make him a good person.

I absolutely agree. A few days ago if someone else posted this, I would have said the same thing.

It's weird how reality is so different from what you expect it to be. I think that's part of why I'm so emotional- every thing I feel is going contrary to what I deem to be logical.

When my grandpa died my mom said she cried, not for what she was losing, but for the life she never had. I think that's what I'm feeling right now. It's like all the pain I surpressed is hitting me now.

[Anonymous 1]

Ask him to sign a release for you to be allowed to discuss his medical issues and prognosis with his medical team?

My brother is trying that. But I doubt my father will agree. There's nothing narcissists hate more than when they believe they're losing control.

[Momto2boys973]

If something like this can’t be the trigger for you to get together, get some closure and maybe try for a happier and healthier family dynamic, I don’t know what can. And it would be a shame for any of you to throw away an opportunity that’s being presented in the form of a crisis.

[Bubbs]

I’m estranged from my father and he only lives 100 miles away
And I wouldn’t go see him
He made his bed.

[That'swhatshesaid]

If he's as awful as you say, I don't think it would be a good idea to turn your life upside down to take care of him. He has made his bed and he has to lie in it.

[Anonymous 5]

If something like this can’t be the trigger for you to get together, get some closure and maybe try for a happier and healthier family dynamic, I don’t know what can. And it would be a shame for any of you to throw away an opportunity that’s being presented in the form of a crisis.

Sometimes that is never going to happen. There is not one word my father could have said that would give us a happier and healthier family dynamic. I did not go back when I heard he was dying of cancer. I did not go back when he died. I did not go back for the funeral. I got my closure by moving 3000 miles away and never looking back. I repeatedly told my sister that if she chose to forgive him that was her right, and I would respect it. It was my right not to.

Some things can not be fixed. It was better for me and my life to walk away and not look back. I am happy and at peace.

OP if you can make peace with everything and it is important to YOU then go see him. If you are at peace with your life and feel happy and safe without him don't go back. Make whatever decision brings you peace

[Anonymous 6]

If the situation was so bad that you are estranged from someone, then that person dying does not negate all of the bad stuff that was said or done to cause the estrangement in the first place. He made that bed, now he can lay in it and die in it.
When my ex died, I laugh and had a little party, I wasnt sad for one second. When my dd's exbf died, I felt the same way about him. She was sad, not because he died but because she felt like he didn't have a chance to change his bad habits and abusive anger issues even though she knew deep down in her heart he never would change.
You probably feel sad because you are going to miss the father that you should have had.
Im sorry you are feeling conflicted about this but you need to do whatever you have to do and can live with in the future.

[msgme]

My father was an ass. Every chance he got he liked to prove he was an ass. As an adult I made several attempts to have some kind of relationship with him but eventually gave up. A few years ago I was contacted by a cousin I had not seen since I was a little kid. He said they were getting in touch with me to let me know my father was sick. A few days later the truth came out. I was his next of kin and his family was having some trouble agreeing on what to do with him. His long term (over 20 years) girlfriend and his step kids felt it was time to pull the plug (she put it nicer than I do) His sister wanted him to stay on life support, she had hope he would wake up. I had so many mixed emotions about what to do. Even now sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision or if i let my personal feelings for the man affect my decision.

[Anonymous 1]

If something like this can’t be the trigger for you to get together, get some closure and maybe try for a happier and healthier family dynamic, I don’t know what can. And it would be a shame for any of you to throw away an opportunity that’s being presented in the form of a crisis.

Sometimes that is never going to happen. There is not one word my father could have said that would give us a happier and healthier family dynamic. I did not go back when I heard he was dying of cancer. I did not go back when he died. I did not go back for the funeral. I got my closure by moving 3000 miles away and never looking back. I repeatedly told my sister that if she chose to forgive him that was her right, and I would respect it. It was my right not to.

Some things can not be fixed. It was better for me and my life to walk away and not look back. I am happy and at peace.

OP if you can make peace with everything and it is important to YOU then go see him. If you are at peace with your life and feel happy and safe without him don't go back. Make whatever decision brings you peace

Thank you for this.

I tried a number of times to reconcile with my father. We invited him to our wedding, but he didn't show up. When asked why, he said we can all go F*$ck ourselves.

When I was pregnant with my son he showed up and apologized for what he had done- everything he had done. We allowed him back in our lives, and that lasted a number of years- mostly because it was long distance, and only consisted of calls here and there. He would ask for pictures of the kids all the time. It turned out he was using those pictures to create an online persona which he was using to catfish women online.

Five years ago he was down and out, so we moved him in with us. He relapsed into a drunken frenzy which resulted in him coming after me and ending up in jail. He of course blamed me. His last email was a scathing letter of hate aimed at me. He said not to reply unless I was writing to beg for his forgiveness. Needless to say, I never wrote back.

Going to him now won't change anything. I'm realizing that more each day. I'm just emotional- sad, hurt, angry and bewildered.

[Anonymous 7]

All of what Smarties said.

I can totally relate to OP's and your story. It is a difficult and sad spot to be in...To love your parent even though he or she has done some terrible things to you. All you can do is DO WHATEVER BRINGS YOU THE MOST PEACE. OP, there's no wrong choice. If you go, later on down they line, you won't regret that you did. If you don't go, you wouldn't be wrong to not.

I think I would try to organize my siblings so we could all meet up together and see him. And use this as an opportunity to reconnect with them and try to heal some of what you've been through together. That way you can have a united front when you see him and hopefully something positive will come out of it regardless of if he's lying or not.

Before all that, though, I'd probably talk to the cousin if they are trustworthy to get their assessment of the situation and/or another family member if thats an option.

Thanks for the reply

That's all good advice. We spoke with my cousin, he only knows what my father told him. My cousin is in Cuba, not near my father. My father lives in eastern B.C, the closest family member is my oldest brother who lives in northern coastal BC (about 12 hours from my father). And he has made it very clear (with a good deal of colorful language) that he couldn't care less that the monster is dying. No one else can go see him without making a long expensive trip. And it's a trip no one wants to take if he's lying.

I see. Well, how upset would you be if he wasn't lying and you didn't see him before he died? My own mother was abusive, and while I still see her at family things about once a year that she also comes to, I don't know that I'd be rushing to see her one last time before she died and our relationship isn't nearly so broken as yours with your father. It sounds terrible to say so, but at the same time I don't feel like I came to that conclusion carelessly. I went through a lot of mental turmoil to be at this place in my mind and I don't feel bad anymore about feeling this way, since I didn't create the situation and my separation from her brings me peace. You are at an even more extreme with your father being so far away and not having any contact with him at all for so long. You should not feel bad about any choice you feel will bring the most peace to your life. Whatever you do, do for you and not for him.

I personally would be more wanting my relationship with my siblings back, and that would help bring some closure, but it sounds like that would be very difficult to achieve.

I'm sorry you've been through all of this. Take some time to decide what YOU want. No rush.