Our family might be growing

Olioxenfree
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Last year my sister adopted my beautiful niece and nephew in a private out of state open adoption. A friend of her children's birth mom reached out to her a month ago. She has two children who she keeps losing and she knows it's a matter of time before she doesn't get them back. She doesn't want them growing up in foster care and knows it's unlikely they would both be adopted. They are three and four, biracial (black/asian), and a sibling group so statistically odds of them both being adopted at all are low and very low for them to be adopted together. She wants them to keep their language and culture and most adoptive families are white. She has been talking about doing a private open adoption. She has heard from her friend that my sister and brother in law are good parents.

My sister's first instinct was absolutely, they would love more children. But, logically, she is hesitant. Her three-year-old son has a lot of emotional needs and she is worried about having the time to give him the same attention, plus taking on whatever needs these children will have after the trauma of losing their mom. The bio mom of her kids is in prison and likely won't be out for over a decade, so there really wasn't a chance of her changing her mind or causing problems.

That isn't the case in this situation. It's just a lot and I'm scared of what it will do to my sister if they start the process and it doesn't work out. I really wish the mom hadn't emailed my sister pictures of the kids. She's going to talk to her therapist, her lawyer, and her adoption counselor this week and she and her husband will work on a decision. It's very exciting, but also so stressful. My sister asked that I not talking about this to any of our family or friends in case it doesn't work out, she hasn't even told our parents, but I just wanted to vent about it.
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agander2017
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That's a scary situation when the birth parents can come back and change their minds. I hope it all works out for your family! Those poor kids. Sounds like they would thrive with your sister, if it all works out.
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LiveWhatULove
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I wish her the best. That sounds so exciting, and such a selfless gesture.

I work so maybe that is the different factor, but I could not imagine taking on children with like.y special emotional needs, since I already have one at home. I never understood the toll it takes on the entirety of the family, including their siblings. And with the first 3 years of their lives with instability, there would be “scars “ from that. But kudos to people who can make that sacrifice. The world needs more of them for sure!
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LiveWhatULove wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 7:51 am I wish her the best. That sounds so exciting, and such a selfless gesture.

I work so maybe that is the different factor, but I could not imagine taking on children with like.y special emotional needs, since I already have one at home. I never understood the toll it takes on the entirety of the family, including their siblings. And with the first 3 years of their lives with instability, there would be “scars “ from that. But kudos to people who can make that sacrifice. The world needs more of them for sure!
My sister works full time. She does also have a good support team in her life and has great childcare that is willing to work with her son.
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Good luck to all of them,
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As an adopted person myself before this abomination known as an “open adoption” was a thing, I firmly believe that adoptions should be closed until the adopted child reaches adulthood and then wishes to know his/her biological family. A child should have the chance to fully belong to one family and it should be their choice whether or not to meet another. I think open adoptions make a child not really fully belong anywhere when they’re divided between nature and nurture.
I wish your sister the best, what a wonderful thing of her to do and I would hate it if she ends up hurt by trying to do something this great.
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Olioxenfree
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Momto2boys973 wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 1:22 pm As an adopted person myself before this abomination known as an “open adoption” was a thing, I firmly believe that adoptions should be closed until the adopted child reaches adulthood and then wishes to know his/her biological family. A child should have the chance to fully belong to one family and it should be their choice whether or not to meet another. I think open adoptions make a child not really fully belong anywhere when they’re divided between nature and nurture.
I wish your sister the best, what a wonderful thing of her to do and I would hate it if she ends up hurt by trying to do something this great.
I respect your point of view, but there are also very many kinds of open adoptions. How much access the birth parents have to the child is fully up to the adoptive parents. In a situation like my niece and nephew, their mother is in prison and most likely will be until they are adults. They have no contact with her, no phone calls, no letters, and definitely no visits. To them, my sister and her husband are their parents. But, an open adoption allows for their mom to get updates from my sister so she has the comfort of knowing that they are okay and that line of communication exists, so if my niece and nephew decide when they are older that they want to know more about her or want to contact her, there is the option.

My uncle is adopted and while he fully feels like he is a part of our family, he does want to know what happened to his biological parents, but has no way of finding that out since the adoption is closed. If she does go through with this adoption, while it would be open, all contact would go through my sister, there would be no visits or phone calls unless the children ask for it when they are older. Their location would not be known to the birth mom. In a case like this the mom loves her children, but is unable to be a successful parent, so an open adoption gives her the security of knowing that the kids are okay. She would be much more resistant to giving the kids up to random strangers without knowing anything about them, which could lead to her drawing out the termination of her rights and putting the children through that process.
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LiveWhatULove
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Olioxenfree wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 11:17 am
LiveWhatULove wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 7:51 am I wish her the best. That sounds so exciting, and such a selfless gesture.

I work so maybe that is the different factor, but I could not imagine taking on children with like.y special emotional needs, since I already have one at home. I never understood the toll it takes on the entirety of the family, including their siblings. And with the first 3 years of their lives with instability, there would be “scars “ from that. But kudos to people who can make that sacrifice. The world needs more of them for sure!
My sister works full time. She does also have a good support team in her life and has great childcare that is willing to work with her son.
Wow, 10 years in to my journey, the idea of more children when they all have unique needs and I have a career, just sounds selfish to me, as I can hardly support the ones I have.

But thankfully for those kids in need, we are all different with a variety of skill sets.

Good luck to your family. I am glad your sister has the support system she needs.
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Good luck to everyone. I hope everything works out.
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