Im choosing between my minor children and adult child

Anonymous 11

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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:11 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 7:28 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 6:35 pm

Yea I did tell her not to talk to me until she grows up. Im not neccissarily pro cut off but if her immaturity and hypocrisy tells her to do it than so be it. I will not be held by her/their demands. Expecting anyone to drive 9 hours for a couple of hours is ridiculous. Her Christmas and her baby's Christmas is no more important than my own children
You cut her off not the other way around. And her baby is your grandchild. Did you invite them to come for Christmas morning? Did you ask them what their plans were weeks ago like normal people do?
Why would I when they explictly said they were not traveling for Christmas? Lile I said Im not dealing with her hypocrisy and I certainly will not be held hostage by it either. I have absolutely no problem with that. However,I do have a problem with her telling me how horrible I am for refusing to do the exact same thing they refused to do. Thats bs and I'm not putting up with it. If she was a mature adult then she would have respected my decision just like I did with them
Well, the right thing to do would have been to say something like " thank you for understanding why it's just not possible for all of us to come to your house this year, but the three of you are more than welcome to come here" They don't have to travel, you clearly are not going to travel. I think that it would be wise to step outside your decision and remind them that they are welcome, and then say nothing else. You are both acting silly and immature and your children and grandchild deserve better than that. I know it can be challenging to balance younger and older children my youngest is 18 my oldest is 40, and there is 4 between those two. Sometimes it's not about what we can or can not do, sometimes it's about how we say what we can and can not do.
Anonymous 1

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sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:18 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:11 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 7:28 pm
You cut her off not the other way around. And her baby is your grandchild. Did you invite them to come for Christmas morning? Did you ask them what their plans were weeks ago like normal people do?
Why would I when they explictly said they were not traveling for Christmas? Lile I said Im not dealing with her hypocrisy and I certainly will not be held hostage by it either. I have absolutely no problem with that. However,I do have a problem with her telling me how horrible I am for refusing to do the exact same thing they refused to do. Thats bs and I'm not putting up with it. If she was a mature adult then she would have respected my decision just like I did with them
You have the communication skills of a sullen 13 year old.
Obviously they thought you were travelling to them. "Oh I am sorry you won't make it here for Christmas. Let's schedule a time for us to come out and celebrate with you." Why is that hard?
I doubt this is the first time you have treated them like they don't matter. You say in this post that if they choose not be around you it will be their loss (LOL). Did you send gifts for your grandchild and for them? Have you been there to see the baby?
They had no business thinking that we would be traveling 9 hours in 1 day when they know that we had NEVER traveled for Christmas. Not once in 25 years have my children not woken up in their beds and enjoyed their Christmas Day at home. So she did just ti start drama and I'm not participating in it.
Deleted User 203

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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:18 pm
AZLizardLady wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 8:58 pm What does your son say? Does he know the context of the conversation you had with her?

I can actually understand your points and because you have three of you having to work the next day, traveling for 4 1/2 hours one way is a bit much, and not a fun way to spend a holiday.

Have you always had a bad relationship with her?
It was pretty good up until she had the baby. But she has made it perfectly clear that I'm not the grandmother she wanted for her child. Again that boils down to the fact that I still have very young children living at home and their needs must come first. I can't drop what I'm doing to babysit or give her a break whenever she wants. Hell I still need breaks at times. Im not retired sitting around with nothing to do everyday. I'm still working. I still have dance practices,scouts,football,baseball,wrestling games and matches,campouts etc.....Now what she was expecting and I can imagine its very disappointing to her but thats just the way it is
But again, what has your son said about any of this? Does he know?

For the sake of your relationship with your son and given what you've written above, you both...you and your DIL....need to find a middle ground. Some sort of agree to disagree.

You lay out good reasons why you can't just be there whenever she deems it necessary and honestly, right now, she might be overwhelmed with the needs of a newborn. Doesn't excuse her own behavior but it might explain it.

You and your DIL do not have to like one another but for the sake of your son and your grandchild, I would try to work out some sort of agreed upon resolve with her.
sheramom4
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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:25 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:18 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:11 pm

Why would I when they explictly said they were not traveling for Christmas? Lile I said Im not dealing with her hypocrisy and I certainly will not be held hostage by it either. I have absolutely no problem with that. However,I do have a problem with her telling me how horrible I am for refusing to do the exact same thing they refused to do. Thats bs and I'm not putting up with it. If she was a mature adult then she would have respected my decision just like I did with them
You have the communication skills of a sullen 13 year old.
Obviously they thought you were travelling to them. "Oh I am sorry you won't make it here for Christmas. Let's schedule a time for us to come out and celebrate with you." Why is that hard?
I doubt this is the first time you have treated them like they don't matter. You say in this post that if they choose not be around you it will be their loss (LOL). Did you send gifts for your grandchild and for them? Have you been there to see the baby?
They had no business thinking that we would be traveling 9 hours in 1 day when they know that we had NEVER traveled for Christmas. Not once in 25 years have my children not woken up in their beds and enjoyed their Christmas Day at home. So she did just ti start drama and I'm not participating in it.
Having a changing family changes things.
And still no answers...did you invite them anyway? Make plans to celebrate another day? Send gifts to the baby? How often have you actually seen the baby? Have you shown any real interest in being a grandmother? You complain that your DIL has asked for a break and you just "can't" help her with that but be honest with yourself...you don't want to see them for Christmas or help. You don't want to be a grandmother. You seem fine with never seeing your grandchild again so just make the break but don't make it DIL's fault. Yes, she shouldn't have reacted like that but you didn't help matters either. Basically, own it. Own your own actions.
Anonymous 12

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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 3:53 pm My oldest son, who is 24, lives about four and a half hours away. He and his wife have a 2-month-old little girl. Very precious. From the very get-go, they have said they would not be traveling for the holidays. I completely understand, and Im very supportive of their decisions. However, they are not very, very supportive of mine. Today DIL called me to find out what time we will be arriving at her house for baby's first Christmas. I told her we weren't going. I explained to her that she puts a very unfair expectation on me and the minor. I still have small children at home. My youngest just turned four a month ago. My next oldest is 8; my next oldest is 12; the next oldest is 17. I explained to her that my dh, myself, and 17 yo still have to be at work the next day, and I wasn't driving 9 hours in 1 day, effectively ruining my children's holiday. She told me I was being unfair and putting my younger children above my oldest and grandchild and that I was the worst MIL and Grandma ever, and I was ruining her Christmas. I told her sorry she felt that way, and until she grows the f**k up and apologizes, do not contact me anymore. Her hypocrisy is amazing to me
I corrected it for you.
Anonymous 1

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Anonymous 11 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:23 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:11 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 7:28 pm
You cut her off not the other way around. And her baby is your grandchild. Did you invite them to come for Christmas morning? Did you ask them what their plans were weeks ago like normal people do?
Why would I when they explictly said they were not traveling for Christmas? Lile I said Im not dealing with her hypocrisy and I certainly will not be held hostage by it either. I have absolutely no problem with that. However,I do have a problem with her telling me how horrible I am for refusing to do the exact same thing they refused to do. Thats bs and I'm not putting up with it. If she was a mature adult then she would have respected my decision just like I did with them
Well, the right thing to do would have been to say something like " thank you for understanding why it's just not possible for all of us to come to your house this year, but the three of you are more than welcome to come here" They don't have to travel, you clearly are not going to travel. I think that it would be wise to step outside your decision and remind them that they are welcome, and then say nothing else. You are both acting silly and immature and your children and grandchild deserve better than that. I know it can be challenging to balance younger and older children my youngest is 18 my oldest is 40, and there is 4 between those two. Sometimes it's not about what we can or can not do, sometimes it's about how we say what we can and can not do.
They knew they were invited whichbis when they told us they didn't want to travel. I told them I didn't blame because we never did. She knew all of this already so for her to throw a fit and call me a bad mil and gma is freaking absurd. Not to mention hypocritical as hell
Momto2boys973
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Well, it is what it is. It sounds like it would be too complicated for you to go. I would tell her that they're still welcome to come to our house for Christmas, since it seems to be easier for them than it is for you to go there. If she can’t understand it, then that’s on her. If she started ranting about me being a bad mil and grandma I would just say “well, I’m sorry you feel that way. We invited you and you didn’t want to travel. It’s impossible at this time for us to do it. You’re still welcome to join us, but if you choose not to, I understand and respect that and I wish you could extend that same courtesy to me. Hopefully we can plan a get together at another time. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.”
❤️🇮🇱 עמ׳ ישראל חי 🇮🇱❤️
HandMmom12
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Say it ain’t so! Trolltasic!
Anonymous 1

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sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:31 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:25 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:18 pm

You have the communication skills of a sullen 13 year old.
Obviously they thought you were travelling to them. "Oh I am sorry you won't make it here for Christmas. Let's schedule a time for us to come out and celebrate with you." Why is that hard?
I doubt this is the first time you have treated them like they don't matter. You say in this post that if they choose not be around you it will be their loss (LOL). Did you send gifts for your grandchild and for them? Have you been there to see the baby?
They had no business thinking that we would be traveling 9 hours in 1 day when they know that we had NEVER traveled for Christmas. Not once in 25 years have my children not woken up in their beds and enjoyed their Christmas Day at home. So she did just ti start drama and I'm not participating in it.
Having a changing family changes things.
And still no answers...did you invite them anyway? Make plans to celebrate another day? Send gifts to the baby? How often have you actually seen the baby? Have you shown any real interest in being a grandmother? You complain that your DIL has asked for a break and you just "can't" help her with that but be honest with yourself...you don't want to see them for Christmas or help. You don't want to be a grandmother. You seem fine with never seeing your grandchild again so just make the break but don't make it DIL's fault. Yes, she shouldn't have reacted like that but you didn't help matters either. Basically, own it. Own your own actions.
Oh such a know ot all. I have seen the baby plenty. I took vcation to help her out after her C-section. I've kept the baby overnight at least 5 times until she decided she didn't want the baby going here to there all weekend during flu season. Once again completely understandable. But I can't go out of town and babysit for them when my other children have other commitments. Its just a fact of life due to travel distance and me still having minor children at home. Their needs and wants come first its just a reality she will have to accept
sheramom4
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Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 10:04 pm
sheramom4 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:31 pm
Anonymous 1 wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2019 9:25 pm

They had no business thinking that we would be traveling 9 hours in 1 day when they know that we had NEVER traveled for Christmas. Not once in 25 years have my children not woken up in their beds and enjoyed their Christmas Day at home. So she did just ti start drama and I'm not participating in it.
Having a changing family changes things.
And still no answers...did you invite them anyway? Make plans to celebrate another day? Send gifts to the baby? How often have you actually seen the baby? Have you shown any real interest in being a grandmother? You complain that your DIL has asked for a break and you just "can't" help her with that but be honest with yourself...you don't want to see them for Christmas or help. You don't want to be a grandmother. You seem fine with never seeing your grandchild again so just make the break but don't make it DIL's fault. Yes, she shouldn't have reacted like that but you didn't help matters either. Basically, own it. Own your own actions.
Oh such a know ot all. I have seen the baby plenty. I took vcation to help her out after her C-section. I've kept the baby overnight at least 5 times until she decided she didn't want the baby going here to there all weekend during flu season. Once again completely understandable. But I can't go out of town and babysit for them when my other children have other commitments. Its just a fact of life due to travel distance and me still having minor children at home. Their needs and wants come first its just a reality she will have to accept
You have had an 8 week old baby five times overnight? LMAO. See, your post almost made sense until just then. Mom had a c-section which means she is barely to the point where she can travel. So let's say she has been comfortable travelling for 4 weeks. But during that time she also decided not to travel during cold and flu season. So you had the baby five times in a week or two? And overnight? While working and taking your other kids to all of their activities? And during that time you took vacation to help her out. But a few comments ago you commented that she is upset that you aren't the grandma she wanted for her child and on the first page said that it was their loss if they choose not to be in contact with you.
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