Anxiety over eating? Not being able to eat without a distraction?

[PoplarGrove]

Doesn’t have to be a rule..she can suggest/ask/encourage that she take a few minutes to engage in conversation with the family.

quote=AnnieArk post_id=450806 time=1561379867 user_id=638]



OP's niece was abused. She doesn't need any more stress added to meal times by more rules. Right now all that matters is that she be able to eat.

The girl's anxiety revolves around food. The anxiety needs to be dealt with before you can try to force her to be "normal" for 3 minutes at the dinner table. The all comes down to people wanting to make another person conform to their definition of normal in order to make THEMSELVES feel comfortable.
As time goes by, if no one tries to force her to conform to the way they want her to act, the phone will be used less and less as a distraction. Right now she needs to feel safe and if the phone or a book helps her do that she should be left alone.

I didn’t say anything about forcing anyone to conform or be normal. I stated she can encourage her to deal with her anxiety in a different way.
[/quote]

Engaging with the rest of the family at the dinner table is conforming. Taking a few minutes to engage with everyone at the table isn't a different way of dealing with her anxiety.

[Inmybizz]

The girl's anxiety revolves around food. The anxiety needs to be dealt with before you can try to force her to be "normal" for 3 minutes at the dinner table. The all comes down to people wanting to make another person conform to their definition of normal in order to make THEMSELVES feel comfortable.
As time goes by, if no one tries to force her to conform to the way they want her to act, the phone will be used less and less as a distraction. Right now she needs to feel safe and if the phone or a book helps her do that she should be left alone.

I didn’t say anything about forcing anyone to conform or be normal. I stated she can encourage her to deal with her anxiety in a different way.

Engaging with the rest of the family at the dinner table is conforming. Taking a few minutes to engage with everyone at the table isn't a different way of dealing with her anxiety.
[/quote]

I see things differently..

The beauty of all these suggestions/feedback is the OP can take what she needs and leave the rest.

[Sassy762]

I'm going to be as gentle as I can be...
This is not about your children and what is fair in life. We do not allow anything at the table during dinner..that said, if my niece came to stay with us after years of abuse, whatever she needed to get through meals would be granted. Period. This is about your niece having some control in her life after dealing with a controlling, abusive father for years. This is the ideal time to have a discussion with your children and speak with them age appropriately (since you did not state their ages), and explain that sometimes life throws curve balls. In instances like these, you have to be able to put your " it's not fair" aside for the health of another- in this case your niece having a distraction of some sort. They need to learn that not everything in life is going to be equal/ fair.

[PoplarGrove]

I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."

With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.

It sounds like this was a daily occurance in the girl's household, not a once in a while type of thing. Being yelled at every time you sit down to eat will cause psychological distress around eating because the brain associates eating with psychological abuse. The fact that the girl is able to sit at the table while eating is remarkable.

Ironically, in my family it's considered rude to force someone to socialize who isn't willing or able to socialize at the moment.

[Pjmm]

I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."

With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.

It sounds like this was a daily occurance in the girl's household, not a once in a while type of thing. Being yelled at every time you sit down to eat will cause psychological distress around eating because the brain associates eating with psychological abuse. The fact that the girl is able to sit at the table while eating is remarkable.

Ironically, in my family it's considered rude to force someone to socialize who isn't willing or able to socialize at the moment.

I don't know much about psychological abuse. I know more about panic attacks. I've had them. You ask me I'm not a therapist. I'm just a person who spent the last 30 years dealing with her own shit. I have anger problems I had to overcome and anxiety. I don't feel the right to tell someone else to give up their security blanket especially when it causes no harm. If she smoked at table or drank excessively no I'm not having that. A book? That's fine if that's what it takes and some counseling. Maybe op can start a brief conversation by asking what she's reading. The girl replies as she's comfortable. On another day op can inquire as to how the story is going and accept her answer or no answer. Perhaps with a gentle approach the girl will become more comfortable. But I am not going to let my kids dictate what an adult does in my house. It isn't their right.

[Anonymous 4]

I'm going to be as gentle as I can be...
This is not about your children and what is fair in life. We do not allow anything at the table during dinner..that said, if my niece came to stay with us after years of abuse, whatever she needed to get through meals would be granted. Period. This is about your niece having some control in her life after dealing with a controlling, abusive father for years. This is the ideal time to have a discussion with your children and speak with them age appropriately (since you did not state their ages), and explain that sometimes life throws curve balls. In instances like these, you have to be able to put your " it's not fair" aside for the health of another- in this case your niece having a distraction of some sort. They need to learn that not everything in life is going to be equal/ fair.

Yup. I suffer disordered eating due to abuse as a child and teen. I was beaten if I weighed in over 99.9 lbs. Im 37 now and struggle every day. Let her do what she needs to do. Life isnt fair.

[PoplarGrove]

I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."

With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.

It sounds like this was a daily occurance in the girl's household, not a once in a while type of thing. Being yelled at every time you sit down to eat will cause psychological distress around eating because the brain associates eating with psychological abuse. The fact that the girl is able to sit at the table while eating is remarkable.

Ironically, in my family it's considered rude to force someone to socialize who isn't willing or able to socialize at the moment.

I don't know much about psychological abuse. I know more about panic attacks. I've had them. You ask me I'm not a therapist. I'm just a person who spent the last 30 years dealing with her own shit. I have anger problems I had to overcome and anxiety. I don't feel the right to tell someone else to give up their security blanket especially when it causes no harm. If she smoked at table or drank excessively no I'm not having that. A book? That's fine if that's what it takes and some counseling. Maybe op can start a brief conversation by asking what she's reading. The girl replies as she's comfortable. On another day op can inquire as to how the story is going and accept her answer or no answer. Perhaps with a gentle approach the girl will become more comfortable. But I am not going to let my kids dictate what an adult does in my house. It isn't their right.

That's a great idea! If OP makes dinner time a pressure free zone eventually the anxiety will lesson and one day she'll put the book down. My daughter has sensory issues that make being places with conversations going on very difficult and overwhelming. At dinner and when out in public she wears noice cancelling earbuds and doesn't contribute to conversation. Some days she isn't able to sit at the table. I've been accused of allowing her to be "rude" at social gatherings when she pops in her earbuds or walks out of the room. IMO the adults who are incapable of understanding that not every person is capable of interacting in a way our extroverted society deems socially acceptable are the rude ones.

[Valentina327]

Life isn't fair and the sooner your children learn that the better. Everything in life is never going to be exactly even. Now is also a great opportunity to teach them compassion, that sometimes you put the needs of others ahead of your own. Also, I wouldn't be answering to my children about another family member and how I treat them, especially one so damaged.

Start a conversation at dinner while she sitting there. Everyone goes aroundand discussed their day, a news event, etc. Don't force her to participate, but I think if she hears everyone around her, she'll eventually likely want to engage. She will be organically drawn in. Slow and easy and no forcing.

[EarlGrayHot]

How about assuring her that no one will be screaming at her during meals. I don't quite understand how a "distraction" helps her eat. The screaming is no longer a problem so why can't she eat without doing something else at the same time?

[Anonymous 3]

How about assuring her that no one will be screaming at her during meals. I don't quite understand how a "distraction" helps her eat. The screaming is no longer a problem so why can't she eat without doing something else at the same time?

Because the distraction helps her not focus on the negative thing she's doing, eating.