Anxiety over eating? Not being able to eat without a distraction?
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Was your brother screaming about something she ate or didn't eat? Or did he just use that opportunity to yell about anything he wanted? If eating, which is a biological necessity, is so traumatic then it's past time she saw a therapist bout it. See what a therapist has to say about this need for distraction. Perhaps she might have a better solution.
- Hot4Tchr-Bieg
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Super well said.mcginnisc wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 7:42 am I'm going to be as gentle as I can be...
This is not about your children and what is fair in life. We do not allow anything at the table during dinner..that said, if my niece came to stay with us after years of abuse, whatever she needed to get through meals would be granted. Period. This is about your niece having some control in her life after dealing with a controlling, abusive father for years. This is the ideal time to have a discussion with your children and speak with them age appropriately (since you did not state their ages), and explain that sometimes life throws curve balls. In instances like these, you have to be able to put your " it's not fair" aside for the health of another- in this case your niece having a distraction of some sort. They need to learn that not everything in life is going to be equal/ fair.
OP...your niece's need for a screen at the table is a very low priority here. Fact is, if she is able to heal in a healthy environment, it's likely she will abandon her crutch all by herself in her own good time.
If you want to do right by your kids, this is a wonderful opportunity to teach them that sometimes it just isn't about them. Too many kids today are raised without anyone ever teaching them that crucial life lesson.
Don't text while driving. Don''t text while stopped at stop signs and traffic lights. You're not a four year old...exercise some self-control.
- Valentina327
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As always, very nicely put!mcginnisc wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 7:42 am I'm going to be as gentle as I can be...
This is not about your children and what is fair in life. We do not allow anything at the table during dinner..that said, if my niece came to stay with us after years of abuse, whatever she needed to get through meals would be granted. Period. This is about your niece having some control in her life after dealing with a controlling, abusive father for years. This is the ideal time to have a discussion with your children and speak with them age appropriately (since you did not state their ages), and explain that sometimes life throws curve balls. In instances like these, you have to be able to put your " it's not fair" aside for the health of another- in this case your niece having a distraction of some sort. They need to learn that not everything in life is going to be equal/ fair.
- Hot4Tchr-Bieg
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In order to understand how the girl got this way or how having a screen acts as a crutch, we'd have to understand the abuse she endured. Me...I'm grateful that I live in ignorance of that sort of dysfunction. All we need to do is accept that this is what she went through and the screen makes it possible for her to function at mealtimes.EarlGrayHot wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:48 pm Was your brother screaming about something she ate or didn't eat? Or did he just use that opportunity to yell about anything he wanted? If eating, which is a biological necessity, is so traumatic then it's past time she saw a therapist bout it. See what a therapist has to say about this need for distraction. Perhaps she might have a better solution.
And not just for you, but for everyone throwing down the "therapist" card...therapy isn't a smart bomb!! In the cases where therapy makes a difference, it's often after many, MANY sessions...months or years. And most of what therapists do is simple encouragement and empowerment...it's an odd psychological professional that would tell her to put down her screen if she says it helps her.
Don't text while driving. Don''t text while stopped at stop signs and traffic lights. You're not a four year old...exercise some self-control.
- bmw29
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I prefer to eat quietly by myself with my book when at home. I don't do it when we have company or if we're out but I also don't have an abusive past. Let the girl cope how she needs to and explain to your children that she is the exception to the rule. Not only does she have a valid reason but she's also an adult. You may want to get her into therapy though. Not to break her from that but because she probably needs it after years of abuse.
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Her body has learned to associate eating with extreme stress and verbal abuse. Reading or looking at a screen while eating allows her to concentrate on something other than eating. Her mind has been conditioned to expect a certain environment when eating and responds whether that environment is there or not. It took years to create the behavioural modification and it will take possibly years for it to be reversed.EarlGrayHot wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:24 pm How about assuring her that no one will be screaming at her during meals. I don't quite understand how a "distraction" helps her eat. The screaming is no longer a problem so why can't she eat without doing something else at the same time?
My brother was screaming at her about everything. But she wasn’t allowed to stop eating while he screamed nor was she able to leave until the food was gone. She is starting therapy soon so that will be a long process as well. Ripping the bandaid off is not the solution here. To her, food is associated with abuse. But she needs food to survive. She has to trick herself into believing she’s not eating.EarlGrayHot wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:48 pm Was your brother screaming about something she ate or didn't eat? Or did he just use that opportunity to yell about anything he wanted? If eating, which is a biological necessity, is so traumatic then it's past time she saw a therapist bout it. See what a therapist has to say about this need for distraction. Perhaps she might have a better solution.
It helps her because her body has told her food is bad. Food equals abuse. She has to trick her body into forgetting she’s eating otherwise she panics and vomits. It’s not a matter of assuring her. It’s a matter of letting her brain zone out enough that it thinks she’s alone and therefore safe.EarlGrayHot wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:24 pm How about assuring her that no one will be screaming at her during meals. I don't quite understand how a "distraction" helps her eat. The screaming is no longer a problem so why can't she eat without doing something else at the same time?
Do you know much about abuse? Especially abuse by parents? Even if her life wasn’t in danger, her brain is fully believing because she was trapped, was forced to keep eating and being screamed at, having items thrown at her and having a grown man demand she eat while being screamed at - that food equals danger. She works, but refuses to eat lunch at work or school. She just cannot. She also will not eat meals with friends. Socialises, say, at the mall but cannot eat with them.Anonymous 2 wrote: ↑Mon Jun 24, 2019 12:10 pm I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."
With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.
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Some of you women really need to educate yourself about the psychological effects of abuse. The ignorance is sad.