Anxiety over eating? Not being able to eat without a distraction?

[Deleted User 638]

She needs to see dinner time and being gathered at the dinner table can be an enjoyable experience. I would talk with her and begin setting a different routine.

Set a limit- when she sits down for dinner with your family she must try to engage in conversation for 3 mins. Or she can only have technology for a limited time at the table.

She probably needs to be in therapy.

OP's niece was abused. She doesn't need any more stress added to meal times by more rules. Right now all that matters is that she be able to eat.

[Inmybizz]

Doesn’t have to be a rule..she can suggest/ask/encourage that she take a few minutes to engage in conversation with the family.

quote=AnnieArk post_id=450806 time=1561379867 user_id=638]

She needs to see dinner time and being gathered at the dinner table can be an enjoyable experience. I would talk with her and begin setting a different routine.

Set a limit- when she sits down for dinner with your family she must try to engage in conversation for 3 mins. Or she can only have technology for a limited time at the table.

She probably needs to be in therapy.

OP's niece was abused. She doesn't need any more stress added to meal times by more rules. Right now all that matters is that she be able to eat.
[/quote]

[mojogirl]

I'm going to be as gentle as I can be...
This is not about your children and what is fair in life. We do not allow anything at the table during dinner..that said, if my niece came to stay with us after years of abuse, whatever she needed to get through meals would be granted. Period. This is about your niece having some control in her life after dealing with a controlling, abusive father for years. This is the ideal time to have a discussion with your children and speak with them age appropriately (since you did not state their ages), and explain that sometimes life throws curve balls. In instances like these, you have to be able to put your " it's not fair" aside for the health of another- in this case your niece having a distraction of some sort. They need to learn that not everything in life is going to be equal/ fair.

1000x this

[Deleted User 203]

A lot of great answers ^^ that I can only reiterate to you to pay attention to the advice you've been given in this thread.

With all due respect, this isn't about your own children or your rules for them.

This is about a young adult who has found a coping mechanism. Let her work through it without adding more stress to her already anxiety-filled existence.

[CrazyJenn]

A lot of great answers ^^ that I can only reiterate to you to pay attention to the advice you've been given in this thread.

With all due respect, this isn't about your own children or your rules for them.

This is about a young adult who has found a coping mechanism. Let her work through it without adding more stress to her already anxiety-filled existence.

Agreed!

[PoplarGrove]

Doesn’t have to be a rule..she can suggest/ask/encourage that she take a few minutes to engage in conversation with the family.

quote=AnnieArk post_id=450806 time=1561379867 user_id=638]

She needs to see dinner time and being gathered at the dinner table can be an enjoyable experience. I would talk with her and begin setting a different routine.

Set a limit- when she sits down for dinner with your family she must try to engage in conversation for 3 mins. Or she can only have technology for a limited time at the table.

She probably needs to be in therapy.

OP's niece was abused. She doesn't need any more stress added to meal times by more rules. Right now all that matters is that she be able to eat.

[/quote]

The girl's anxiety revolves around food. The anxiety needs to be dealt with before you can try to force her to be "normal" for 3 minutes at the dinner table. The all comes down to people wanting to make another person conform to their definition of normal in order to make THEMSELVES feel comfortable.
As time goes by, if no one tries to force her to conform to the way they want her to act, the phone will be used less and less as a distraction. Right now she needs to feel safe and if the phone or a book helps her do that she should be left alone.

[PoplarGrove]

The way to help her is to allow her to have a book or a phone with her at meal times and provide a calm atmosphere at the dinner table. As time goes on and she begins feeling safe the phone or book will be used less and less as she joins in on the dinner conversation.

As for your kids, you tell them how lucky they are to have grown up in a house that let them feel safe and loved and that their cousin didn't and needs the technology to help her feel safe. Encourage them to be kind and understanding towards her and get them on board with making meal times a calm experience.

[Inmybizz]

Doesn’t have to be a rule..she can suggest/ask/encourage that she take a few minutes to engage in conversation with the family.

quote=AnnieArk post_id=450806 time=1561379867 user_id=638]

She needs to see dinner time and being gathered at the dinner table can be an enjoyable experience. I would talk with her and begin setting a different routine.

Set a limit- when she sits down for dinner with your family she must try to engage in conversation for 3 mins. Or she can only have technology for a limited time at the table.

She probably needs to be in therapy.

OP's niece was abused. She doesn't need any more stress added to meal times by more rules. Right now all that matters is that she be able to eat.

The girl's anxiety revolves around food. The anxiety needs to be dealt with before you can try to force her to be "normal" for 3 minutes at the dinner table. The all comes down to people wanting to make another person conform to their definition of normal in order to make THEMSELVES feel comfortable.
As time goes by, if no one tries to force her to conform to the way they want her to act, the phone will be used less and less as a distraction. Right now she needs to feel safe and if the phone or a book helps her do that she should be left alone.
[/quote]

I didn’t say anything about forcing anyone to conform or be normal. I stated she can encourage her to deal with her anxiety in a different way.

[Anonymous 2]

I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."

With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.

[Anonymous 3]

I would tell my kids, "you have a different rules" and "she is our extended guest."

With that said, obviously I am in the minority, but having such emotional distress over getting yelled at repeatedly at a table during a meal, that she cannot eat without a tablet/phone, at age 18 seems extreme & near manipulative to me. Did she fear for her life or something? Can she not hold a job or follow other social norms due to the abuse? SI would express to her I hope she is motivated to work with a therapist, and acknowledge what she is doing is rude, regardless of her past.

I can believe it. My DIL is still in therapy because of the trauma of mealtimes before she became a legal adult. It took her years for food not to have a negative connotation.